Question:
What do you think of this poem i've composed?
by sitting on a sofa or sleeping
you'll never become a gorilla or an ape being
get up now,go outdoors and buy a coconut
squeeze it in your hands with all your might
if you're fond of the behavior of lions
stand up right now and go after gazelles
get one of them very swiftly with your paws
bite its throat and then tear its flesh with your jaws
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first stanza is charming, though the first line is not very compelling. Would an ape-being buy a coconut? No, my friend, he would SEIZE one.
The second stanza is problematic. It ends very abruptly and I caution you against using any rhyme at all. Perhaps jaws could be changed to teeth to preserve the lack of rhyme. The rhythm is most enjoyable.
I feel that it could be longer and I'd like a title.
Generally, I like it.