Question:
Is this poem ok???
Sitting on this grassy hill,
watching the spinning mill,
the sun setting in the west,
as i think of all the best
moments in my life have passed me by
i think so hard and let out a sigh.
Questions twisting through my skull
compared to yours, my life seems dull.
So come along with me, forget your pain
forget your taxes, forget pouring rain.
Forget those gloomy, gloomy days
and listen to what your mama says:
go out and play, don't waste your time.
live life to the fullest, don't waste a dime.
OPINIONS???
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Better than most things posted here! "Questions twisting through my skull" is a very good line that most anyone would be proud to write.
The poem will flow more smoothly if all lines have the same numbers of syllables, and all rhyming lines have their rhythmic emphases in the same place. Also, in the second stanza, it seems odd to first say that "my life seems dull" and in the next line suggest that it is YOU who will help the other person! The finish line didn't seem very strong either, so I replaced it. Plus, it would be nice if both stanzas were the same length, six lines. Here's an example; the capitalized words are just there so you can find my proposed changes more easily. You can still polish this up more!
Sitting on this grassy hill,
LOOKING AT the spinning mill,
the sun setting in the west,
as i think of all the best
moments THAT have passed me by;
i think hard, and THEN I sigh.
Questions twisting through my skull
UNLIKE yours, my life seems dull,
HELP ME TO forget MY pain,
forget taxes AND the rain,
LET'S HAVE FUN, NOT waste OUR time,
LIFE IS REAL; MAKE IT SUBLIME!
.