Position:Home>General - Arts & Humanities > Poem revision?

Poem revision?

i was hoping y'all could give me a few tips on how to make this poem better;
***The soothing sound that comes from within in the depths of the soul Playing vinyl in the time of day, the premium technology that was offered. It held and still holds its class even when obsolete, there were so few made of the marvelous machine, many gathered to vast in the presence and to speak of the wondrous mechanism that brought into everyones lives*** for school i had to pick and object and relate it to someone. i chose a record player because the guy i wrote it about has many similarities as i tried to show in the poem but I'm quite terrible at writing poems. This guys is like a record player because he's very in touch w/ music, it' s a big part of him. He has many ideas that are way ahead of the technology of this time just like the record player was when it came out. If you heard him talk just once you wouldn't ever want to leave, the things he says are incredibly beautiful, he has a way w/ words

2 months ago
there aren't many people like him, he's very classy and even though he may be like that he can still have a lot of fun... record players allow you to have fun. Record players may not be as big as a thing as they used to be but they still are very well known and enjoyed by people... i feel as time goes on people will eventually be able to grasp his ideas and surpass his intelligence but no one will ever be able to be like him and he'll always hold a spot in time... like a record player

First of all, I am impressed with your poem. I agree with tenayaledeux00 about the line breaks. Read it aloud because the rythym and timing can really enhance your poem.

I suggest changing the word "vast" in the sentence "many gathered to vast in the presence". Since vast is a noun or an adjective, try using "bask" which means to enjoy a pleasant situation.

Another suggestion - I would keep going with the poem and share more - at least a line or two - about how you feel personally - because ultimately, you'd like the reader to get how intelligent and charismatic the guy really is and the impact he has on people. (At least that's what I gather from what you've written in your explanation.) Another reason for adding lines that express a more personal reaction is because the first line sets up the poem almost intimately "The soothing sound that comes from within in the depths of the soul". That's a great start. I think your metaphor is interesting but could be more fully fleshed out about how the machine is used to touch the soul - which is referenced in your first line.

Clean up the last line, "...and to speak of the wondrous mechanism that brought into everyones lives". The line doesn't make sense grammatically. Reword the line so that it feels right - for instance "and to speak of the wondrous mechanism that brought joy into countless lives". Something like that, but use your own words.

I like this poem. It's got meat on it's bones and I can see that some thought went into writing it. However I totally disagree with you when you write "I'm quite terrible at writing poems". First of all, that comment is self-deprecating and you should ban it from your mind because it does nothing good for you. I understand if you feel uncomfortable writing poetry because it's not always easy to write. However, please do not let these kinds of thoughts enter your mind. Instead say this: "I'm still learning to express myself through the art of poetry". :)

In any case, keep working on until you feel good about it. If the poem expresses what you want it to express - then you're done. It's good poem and you're off to a great start.

Just keep writing!