Please help me decide whether the following starting lines are good for a short

Question:

Please help me decide whether the following starting lines are good for a short story or not?

Here are the lines
" KNOCK KNOCK??????the silence of night was broken by these sounds on the door. Soon Anil, who was fast asleep then, opened his eyes from a sweet dream he was having in his hard earned sleep. Soon he took a brief glance at t Being a new person in Kathmandu, it was quite unusual for his door to be knocked at this time of the night."

If possible also suggest me whether is it fine to narrate the story in past tense.

Additional Details

2 months ago
Sorry I faced some problems while pasting. These are the ACTUAL LINES :
KNOCK KNOCK??????the silence of night was broken by these sounds on the door. Soon Anil, who was fast asleep then, opened his eyes from a sweet dream he was having in his hard earned sleep. Soon he took a brief glance at the clock. The clock showed 11pm. Being a new person in Kathmandu, it was quite unusual for his door to be knocked at this time of the night.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Fair, as I always question double usage of a word in a sentence. (as you use sleep and asleep, which is close enough for me)

If I may.........

KNOCK KNOCK....the late-night slience was splintered by the unexpected pounding upon the door. Anil, fast asleep, was brusquely transported away from his sweet dreams of being beside a cool mountain stream and brought back to reality.

KNOCK KNOCK....He forced his eyes to try and focus on the clock. Being new in Kathmandu, he wasn't fully aware of the local customs, but he knew no one comes visiting at this hour of the morning.

You are weaving a tale, so it is important to immerse the reader in what is going on.

The second set of knocks adds to the uncertainly and tension of the scene.