I want feedback on my story, i will give you a summary?

Question:

I want feedback on my story, i will give you a summary?

Shilo, age 15, is living in an old apartment in downtown LA. she works at the local grocery store, and is a roommate with one of the worst people she has ever seen. as she was walking down the damp, dusty sidewalks on her way to work, a giant tear came to the bottom of the bag. all of the things inside spilled out, and she kneeled on the floor picking them up. she looked up to notice a person holding a wallet and a tube of chapstick. he handed them to her, and instantly fell in love. he had to go, so he said goodbye and raced off, thinking about that girl. he walked into the bus, and then walked into the hollywood studio. he went to his assistant. "find me this girl." he said, describing her dirty brunette hair, her pale skin and her eyes, the color of a green apple. Now she will be living the good life. the only problem is, someone else is dying for that role, in life. that person will kill for that life, and the person will kill, or at least thats what the person thinks.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

That sounds okay. Find a way to make it dramatic. I personally don't like people dying in stories. I've read plenty of stories where guys fight over the girl. They get old & boring.