Question:
Please give me feedback?
As I lie here on this cold trolley,
looking up at the bright lights,
bewildered, frightened,
not knowing where I am,
wondering how I got here,
what has happened to me,
thinking about life, how hard it is,
rushing here and there,
trying to live for today,
but what are we but skin and bones,
without feelings we are nothing,
warm blood coursing through our veins,
our heart pumping relentlessly,
and as I lie there the scene changes,
no longer do I see a young man,
there lies the body of a frail old man,
the fire burns less in his eyes,
he feels not the hand gripping him,
nor the tears that fall from her eyes,
that grey old woman sitting next to him,
looking as pretty to him as she always did,
that first time they met so long ago,
the darkness descending around him,
a feeling of warmth and comfort,
of knowing that his time has come,
the life he had so filled with love,
happiness and good times he remembers now,
a teardras he bids his loved one goodbye,
and then
Additional Details8 months ago
and then I realise that man is me,
that hand is yours, the tears real,
and so what do I conclude from this
that life be it ever filled with hardships
op in the corner of one eye, twists and turns that make us strong,
is so very precious indeed to us,
but never any good without feelings
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have much feeling in it. It does need editing of course, and editing our feelings is difficult. However, in editing, one need not erase the feeling, simply refine it. For Ex: "As I lie here on this cold trolley, looking up at the bright lights,".......
The same feeling is conveyed if you can edit it down perhaps to this: [ On this cold trolley, below the blinding lights]......
Something of that nature. The foundation of it is strong, and simple editing, refining the wordplay perhaps, would polish it.
Editing one's own work is hard, but edit we must.