Writing a story...?

Question:

Writing a story...?

"The gun was now positioned on my right temple, and it slightly moved as I swallowed. My eyes met with his; those cold, wicked, intimidating black eyes."

My first two sentences of a story. Any opinions? I like it... it's creepy.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

It's good, definately creepy. You may want to try more descriptive language, for example, in the first line, you could say "The gun barrel pressed against my right temple." Pressed is a more descriptive verb, and it also makes the sentence active voice, which isn't always better, but it is more intense, and that fits your scene well. Just a suggestion! :)