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Question: How is this 1st paragraph!.!.!.i edited it!!!!!!!!!!?
well thanks fist off to everyone who helped me edit my paragraph!.!.!.!.
this is what I HAD!.!.!.!.
I see things, you don’t see!. I hear things you can’t hear!. I live a life full of things you wouldn’t imagine!. It’s like I am living my worst nightmares!. Something you can’t comprehend!. Something beyond your own worst nightmares, and haunting thoughts!. My “gift” is ruining my life! My parents hate me because I can talk to spirits!. It’s not like I want to communicate with them! If I had a choice, believe me, I wouldn’t communicate with them!. I don’t have a choice!. They come to me…

and this is what i editied it to!.!.!.

My "gift" is ruining my life!.
I see things, you don’t see!. I hear things you can’t hear!. I live a life full of things you wouldn’t imagine!. It’s like I am living my worst nightmares!. Something you can’t comprehend!. Something beyond your own worst nightmares, and haunting thoughts!. My parents hate me because of it!. If I had a choice I would never have gotten mysef into this mess!. It's not my fault! They came to me!.


is that better!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yeah the second one was a lot better and you should keep going with this maybe start a story!? I got very in to it keep going please!
Oh and bu the way thanks for your comment on my story!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Start with an image, something visual!. It can grab attention, create tension, and set a standard for the writing!. Especially here you can start with actually showing (not telling about) one of those nightmares!.

also, you don't need the comma in "I see thing, you don't see!." Especially since you don't have one in the following, paralleled sentence!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Your problem is that you aren't starting the story with any kind of action!. Stories start better when they start in the middle of something, instead of the main character's inner musings!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yes that is better :)!. It's pretty good! (thanks for your answering of my question :))Www@QuestionHome@Com

Love it yep thats better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yes !
Much better !!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would write it like this!. Great idea by the way!.
I'm different, and it is ruining my life!.
Some people might consider my abilities a gift!. In a way, they are!. I see things you can’t see!. I hear things you can’t hear!. My life is full of things beyond your imagination!. This is my curse!. My life is a scene from my worst nightmares!. Something no one else can comprehend!. Something beyond even your own horror stories, and it is ever present, haunting my thoughts!. My parents hate me because of it!. They blame me, as if I had chosen this fate!. Do they think that I would converse with spirits if I had the choice!? Why would I want this daily terror!? But it wasn't my decision!. They came to me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The posters who suggested you put some action in there are correct!.

Another suggestion:

I think this passage makes it difficult for the reader to 'like' the narrator!. If I'm going to read a book, and spend a few hours with this character's voice, I need to like them!. It sounds like you think the reader is too stupid to 'comprehend'!. I understand that's probably not how you intended this to sound, but it does!. " Read it over again, from the point of view of someone just picking this up and reading it!. Doesn't it sound a little snooty!? I imagine you meant that there is a whole ghost-realm beneath the world most people live in that your narrator can see and hear!. But if you start your story by telling us that "we can't comprehend' what you're saying, why would we read further!? When you use the word' you' in a book, you have to be careful, because you are addressing the reader!. I would change these sentences to "a life full of things most people wouldn't imagine" and "something most people can't comprehend!."Www@QuestionHome@Com