Question: Please give your opinion!!?
The light morning breeze rustled my long brown hair as I dawdled down the street towards school!. First day back is never good, but it’s worse if it’s at a new school!. As I walked in through the steel gates, every pair of eyes stared curiously at me!. My face red, I tried to ignore the stares and get to class as quickly as I could!. A boy with blonde curly hair and dark sunglasses fell into step beside me!. Almost sure he was there to make fun of me I quickened my step hoping to lose him, but he kept up!. Finally, he stepped in front of me and smiled a crooked smile and held out his worn-out hand!. “Carl!. New!?” he said his voice husky and gentle!. “Yer, I’m Catherine!.” I said shyly, avoiding his face!. He took away his hand and I looked up to see that his eyes looked amused as I blushed!.
Is this a good start!? I want to know if it is good or bad and what i can improve on!. Thanks!.
I forgot to mention that I'm 12 and am in year 6 going into year 7!. I didnt want to say anything because I looked at other twelve-year old writers submits on here and some people say mean things just beause they are young!. So its just to prove something!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow, at first I was going to say it needed a lot of work, but the simple fact that you are twelve and writing at this level!.!.!.That's really impressive!
(and I have no idea what year 6 year 7 means!.!.)
First off, is "yer" a typo, or an accent!?
second, there a few too many adjectives here!. Dawdled could be changed to something more!.!.!.non cliche I guess!. It just seems like your trying to hard with words like that, and so many close together as well!.
I already like Carl, in just the little bit of information here, I'm able to get a quick glimpse into his personality and mannerisms!.
and it's just a pet peeve, and can totally be ignored, but the alliteration of their names is a tad annoying, but that's just a personal opinion!.
How does she know what Carl looks like if she's avoiding people's gazes and walking briskly to class!? Maybe have her survey the school yard first(!?)
If you have any more I would love to read it!.!.!.I think this is an awesome start! Email me if you have any questionsWww@QuestionHome@Com
yea it was great it gave me a clear visual!. try to put more like imagery tho like discribe your suroundings and the weather but other than that i liked it=]Www@QuestionHome@Com
I honestly thought u were 20 or sumfing!. The paragraph is great!. You should turn this into a career later on!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
pretty good for a 12 yr old!
and i'm not saying that to be mean btw!.
yeah, i guess ur vocab seems a little limited but other that that its ok!.
when u say that everyone was staring at her curiously, and then u say that the boy is maybe making fun of her, it sort of contradicts the first bit!. so maybe instead of staring at her curiously, u could make it sound more like they're judging her, staring her up and down!.
that's just a suggestion btw!.
good job! really!. :DWww@QuestionHome@Com