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Question: Please read! What do you think!?
Hi! I'm fifteen years old and I've recently begun to work on a novel (or novella, I'm not really sure yet) involving two high-school-aged teenagers!. Anyway, please read what I've got so far and tell me if you like it! Ten points for the person with the best critique!

Here it is:
http://iwearamask!.deviantart!.com/art/Eli!.!.!.

P!.S!. If you want to continue reading, you have to follow the Roman numerals, alternating between Eli and Violet!.

Thanks so much!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think that you are an excellent writer!. I'm intrigued and want to read more!. I'm assuming that your target audience is teenagers, and if so, the only suggestion I would make is to maybe tone down the vocabulary a little bit!. While your writing is very descriptive and your command of the language is excellent, not all of your peers are as proficent as you are!. By using such sophisticated vocabulary, I think you might be limiting your audience!. Have your teachers/peers read it and edit it, and then use your judgment about what changes to make!. If the rest of it is as good as your opening, I think you have a bestseller on your hands!. Good luck!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Okay the first thing I noticed was that you lay the vocab on a little thick, even for an adult novel, I cant possibly imagine that a teenage boy would think in those terms!. It might be hard but try to tone it a down a little!. When he was thinking about her remaining freshman awkwardness it seemed a little off, this line maybe 'But she should not have looked that way now' try maybe implying this instead of just blatantly saying it!.
also I do realize that its from his point of view but you seem just a little to trapped in his mind, he just thinks about everything to the smallest detail, maybe its a character trait but I feel like im sitting in his brain when I read it!. Try describing more that just his own contemplations!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you have a good idea and some talent!. I do think that your words need to be toned down for a teen novel though!. If you want teens to read it and like it you will have to use words that they understand and have heard!. No one wants to read a book and have to use a dictionary to understand the terns your using!.
You seem to have some talent in writing and you need to continue with it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its okay for a first time!. But I found it kind of odd how she was standing amongst a group of people and he basically ran up to her garbbed her and took her to a seat even though they had never met before!? Maybe you should have more of a base between the two I understand that before she sat she was bewildered, but then the what I thought shy girl immediately opened up and corrected everybody so boldly when they called her Cathy!.

Just giving constructive critisism I hope that's okay!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I enjoy reading your style, it's quite lucid and you have made a good use of metaphore for someone your age!. Keep up the good work, I think you can get somewhere with this!.

I think some of the criticisms here are uncalled for, I think its due to the fact that perhaps your writing is a little too complicated for them, LOL!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

is it supposed to be like an interesting story that you want other people to read or just a story you want to get a good grade on !?

because if i was writing a book and wanted to publish it id make it slightly interesting not all robotic sounding!.

u said had like way too many times in like the first 10 sentences!.

seriously use the word was or something!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow that's good! I am a young author myself, and I love that!. You are a gifted writer!. But at the beginning when it said her shoulder bag was slung over one shoulder, the use of shoulder twice makes it seem strange!. Maybe you should say "Her bag was slung over one shoulder!." But you don't have to!. Otherwise it's good and should be published!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting point of view!.!.!. great description, I can really get into the role of the guy!.

I am a little off set by the obvious overuse of the thesaurus though!. All in all, you have painted a great picture and I liked it though it droned on for much too long!. I am interested to find out what Violet's deal is, though, so I would say that you have baited the hook! Keep up the good work! Www@QuestionHome@Com

Hi! I'm fifteen years old and I've recently begun to work on a novel (or novella, I'm not really sure yet) involving two high-school-aged teenagers!. Anyway, please read what I've got so far and tell me if you like it! Ten points for the person with the best critique!
Www@QuestionHome@Com

well i think it steepped me intot he character and a rush of emotions flew by as i actually saw what was happening!. i likes it!. was that a website for authors!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow that was really good, ofcourse i didnt read all of it only like half of it(sorry dont have that much time)i wish i could write like that Www@QuestionHome@Com

I got bored!. It needs serious revision and flow!. Try reading more literature to get the hang of it!. I did visualize your story better than most Y!A stuff I see, but it's not perfect yet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow!!! I'm almost out of college and there's no way I would be able to write that! It's great!! What blew me away was the diction!. I could image everything in my head!.
Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

too long didnt read sorry :[Www@QuestionHome@Com

so longg lolWww@QuestionHome@Com

i was interested at first but i got bored with itWww@QuestionHome@Com