Position:Home>Books & Authors> How is this story I am writing?
Question: How is this story I am writing!?
Plz tell me how it sounds I am eleven and I want to know the truth!. Must obliged!.
Beads of sweat fell down the perimeter of Samuel M!. Turive’s head as he jogged down Michigan Avenue!. He threw his feet down a sharp corner and swerved his sneakers into an alley!. Bums were edged along the side of bricks smoking cigarettes and kicking empty bottles!. Sam dug his hands into his pocket!. He felt the paper bag stuffed with money!. "I should of gotten paid more money… killing the chief of police!." He came up to a rusted access and knocked with the edge of his knuckle!. “Who is it!?” An accented voice came threw from the door!.
“It’s Sam!.” Creeeek! The medal door slowly crept open revealing a cold damp room!. In it was a poker table, a mob playing poker and Deverto Jackela himself!. You see, Sam is kind of an assassin!. I’m not saying he’s a dark evil bad dude!. Samuel has a kind heart and a strong mind!. So he has to kill to live, would you!? “What are you a doing here!? I a already pay you!.”
“I need more money!.” Sam said, slowly tossing the paper bag on the table!. The sound of a gun cocking behind him echoed through his ears!.
“A listen, you a get what I a pay you!.”
“Give me my money Deverto!”
Deverto tilted the rim of his glasses in a downward motion so they were eye to eye!.
“No!.”
Give me your comments plz!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
that was very good and descriptive!. I like it but I would be one who wants to know what happens to Sam next heh!. the hardest part for me is to always be descriptive!. I have had friends over who are reading my stories and they say they loved the story and the plot and they want a sequel and all that but they also say I should be more descriptive!.
I have recently restarted a story of mine which I had started at age 10!. I am going to finish the story then go back and make more description!. any way if that story is published I want its name it sounds good to me!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Personally its not the kind of story I would be interested in, but I think your descriptions are good!. But do you want to be the kind of narrator that's also a character too!? cause you say "I'm not saying!.!.!." Which is first person!. You might want to change that!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like!
i really got into it ;]
but when you first mention his name, it really is a mouthful maybe jus say his first name, then find a way to drop his full name into it
good luck! wanna read more!x
2 points!?x
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
The names are a little unrealistic, stop using the thesaurus to find big words you don't really know the meaning of, and the Italian-accent stereotype is a bit offensive!. Gangsters =/= Mario!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good!. Really detailed!. Although you may want to reconsider the wording with "I’m not saying he’s a dark evil bad dude!." And check the spelling!.
So other than that, you seem to be quite talented!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's amazing! i love it! except the "he has to kill to live, would you!?" you should take out the would you!. my only critique otherwise it's perfect!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news--I like it!. I really did--but for your own safty, you shouldn't be on here if you're 11!. This site is for 13+
Come back here when your older!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's really good! It has a lot of discriptive words! i thought some 35 year-old wrote this!! Very good!. You should be An Author!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It seems pretty good to me, but I would need to ready more of it before I could really tell you!. But it did get my attention! Great job! Keep going!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it is awesome if you ever publish it i will read itWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, that is really good!. I can't believe that you are only eleven!. That's great!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Less is more!. Good writing is rewriting, so keep going over it and see what needs little tweeking!. "Should of gotten more, the chief of police!." Let the reader wonder what happened, build suspense - intrigue!. Rusted access!? Not sure right words!. What kind of accent!? He whispered, "Sam!" Not it's Sam!. Mob playing poker implies a poker table, don't need it twice!. Dark evil bad redundant!. Would you!? Could you even imagine it!? "I need more!." The money is implied!.
Bravo, Keep it up!
I'm an author too, and I know what it's like when you want to share your great ideas with others!. Just remember, what's most important is how you feel about it!. Some others will love it, and some will hate it!. It only matters if you love it!. Best of luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com