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Question: How's my story so far!? (Oh so incredibly short!)!?
The sweet summer air surrounded Alex as she walked barefooted down the winding dirt road!. Only half of the sun was left clinging to the grassy hills, it looked like an orange explosion!. The sky had become swirls of orange and pink, rarely dotted with openings of blue!. That half of a yellow-orange explosion had settled down, nowhere to be seen again until dawn!. Up went the half crescent moon with that man’s face always staring down at you, watching!. Soon after that the sky became a faded blue, weakening and dying down to black!. Stars dotted the sky twinkling, sparkling and dazzling!. Alex searched for the North Star, but she kept walking the way she knew she was meant to!. She ignored the fact that the North Star always led home!. A deer ran in front of the rocky road and Alex froze on her toes!. She watched as it slowed down to eat, then was startled and ran back to his family!. Too much of a serene sight, thought Alex, the hurricane that separated me from my family just passed!
I'm in 5th grade so be nice :P!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
for a 5th-grader you sure know how to string words well together!. :) but you're describing more of the environment than the entire story!. it makes the readers lose track of what the story really is about!. is the story about the sky, or Alex!? if it's about the sky, then you're doing a good job!. :P if it's about Alex, the story has a big gap!. remove all the unnecessary descriptions!. let the readers know that it's sunset in just a few, meaningful words!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your trying too hard to use fancy adjectives!. Try focusing on the story!.!.!.Why is Alex walking down the road!? Why does she notice the setting sun, or sky, etc!? What is the hurricane!? etc!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
What's a half crescent moon!. (No such thing) and you wouldn't be able to see the man on the moons face till full!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good Job!
Nice use of detail!
Good Luck With The Rest!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i love it especially all the detail so don't listen to King of all Lizard Kings its perfectWww@QuestionHome@Com
That is so good for a fifth grader
Nice DetailsWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, that is really good for a 5th grader!
good job, nice descriptions :)Www@QuestionHome@Com