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Question: Specific help on my short story!?
I have posted this story here before, but I'm having trouble finding areas with tense issues!. I totally suck when it comes to keeping in the same tense!. So if somebody could read it and give my specific text where I use present tense rather than past tense, I would really appreciate it!. I joined a writing club at my school, and there are some really good writers there!. I'm already nervous about posting it there, and I'd really like to fix it up before I do so!.

Thanks in advance!
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Here are a few grammatical issues, including tense, that might make your story read more smoothly:

1st full paragraph- "quiet the explosive" - did you mean "explosion"!?

2nd paragraph- "It's not only the drug I was addicted to, but also the lifestyle!." - although technically this works, it's a little confusion because of the conjunction!. "It's" usually is "it is," but I think you want to use "it was" instead!. As in, "It was not only!.!.!." or "It not only was!.!.!."

3rd- omit "a" in "with a six or so people"

4th- grammatically, you'd say "he was really young," but saying "he was real young" is understandable if this is what the narrating character would say, if this is the way they talk

-"this score was looking bright," change the tense from "is" to "was"

10th- again with the conjunctions; "there were" over "there's" (there's puts this in the present tense as "there is")
- "a pack of cigarettes" not "an pack of cigarettes"
- "I'll make myself at home while they take care of business!." Suddenly we're in the future!. "I made" over "I will make, and "took" over "take," which is present (I'm presuming this story is in the past tense, since most of the verbs are in the past)
- It's up to you how to edit this one "I might as well help myself to a few"!.!.!.but right now it's in the present also
- "The house itself is" to "was," and "he had" over "he has got"/"he's got"
- "television is" becomes "television was"

11th - "Right now, all that does matter is getting back to the squatter, and fast!." This line confuses me, since the story is being told as though it were in the past; how can anything be happening "right now"!?

15th - "would know we have" becomes "would know we had"

after the alley scene and dialogue - "I'll say the kid ran off!." jumping into future tense, maybe try "I'd say" instead

"wouldn't work" over "won't work" - won't is just "will not," and again in the future

"I didn't know any of those names!. I'm sure I'd recognize their faces!." this works if the narrator is saying that today, after telling this story, he could recognize their faces!. but if he's still in the past when this story is taking place, it might be "I was sure I could recognize their faces," for example, although there would be other ways to change that tense

"And at she felt like a pretty ******* flower!." I'm not sure if you were going to say something more here, or what the "at" indicates!.



Good work though; I enjoyed your story, although there is still a lot of mystery in it and things the reader might like explained!. Anyhow, if you have any other questions, just ask!. Sorry if I omitted anything!

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To be honest, I felt a little bad for this kid!. He hadn't figured out how things worked yet!. He was real young, but he had a lot of cash!. Probably stole it from mom or dad, or dying grandpa!. It wasn't a concern of mine!. Anyway, he thought we were close, so this score is looking bright!. For me anyways!.

When you said this score is looking bright you should have said this score WAS looking bright!.

I'll make myself at home while they take care of business!. There's an pack of cigarettes on the coffee table, I might as well help myself to a few, for later!. The house itself is a piece of ****, but he's got some perks in this place!. The television is at least 52 inches wide!. I bet his toilet plunger is worth more than my life!.

You should say I made myself at home while they took care of business!. The whole paragraph is kinda wierd!. and you shoud say a pack not an pack!.

I couldn't call 911, I couldn't call anybody!. Put a semi colon!.

After buying all this ****!? That won't work!. I was standing at the door, waiting for some brilliant excuse to come to mind!.

You have to do that WOULDNT work!.

Other than that it was reallly realllly goood!. I was compelled and I'd like to read the rest!.


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