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Question: I wrote this; what do you think so far!?
Gone Like That

Chapter One – November 29

I tried to wipe away my tears!. But could I!? No, of course not!. I couldn’t believe it!. I didn’t want to believe it!. I just wanted it to be a nightmare, not reality!. I pinched myself, once, twice!. But the same blurry, shaking, wet vision remained!.
I tried to stand up from my bed but I couldn’t!. ‘Come on, get a hold of yourself Rylee,’ I thought!.
I crawled to the edge of my bed, and stuck one foot out of the area of my bed!. I tapped my toes to the carpet of my floor gently, and the same with my other foot!. I dragged myself to my computer and forced my trembling fingers to write this e-mail to my best friends!.

To : NYCgrl204, nickinick, summer!.rox, luckyducky465
From : rylee_krail
Subject : AAAAHHHH! Help me plzzzzz

I cant blieve dis! help me! respond asap! waah! o I cant take it-im moving!! *sniff*

I really couldn’t believe it!. My dad got a job in Phoenix!. I need to move there according to my dad!. I was born and raised in New York City…now I have to live a whole new life!. I’m in 7th grade, in the 1st semester!. It’s currently November 29th and I have to leave on December 30th!. Isn’t it wrong!?!!?! I only have a month until I have to go away…forever!.
“Rylee!?” my mom’s voice whispered outside the door, “Can I come in!?”
“No!.”
“Ok, well I’ll leave this pizza for you outside your room!. But you better come get it before Lizzy does!.” My mom chuckled!.
I didn’t say anything, but I crawled to my door and got the pizza and root beer!. Okay, maybe it was my favorite lunch in the world but I still angry!. Very angry!.
I pulled my short brownish hair back as I chewed into the cheesy warm slice!. Then, a little ding came from my computer!. I stood up and peered at my screen!. I got an e-mail from Hannah Martinez, my BFF since pre-school!.

To : rylee_krail
From : NYCgrl204
Subject : re : AAAAHHHH! Help me plzzzzz

I cant blieve dis! help me! respond asap! waah! o I cant take it-im moving!! *sniff*

No way !! u have got 2 b kidding! Make ur parents say no!!!!! I cant even think of u not here in NYC!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO no my BFFL!!!!

I replied :

To : NYCgrl204
From : rylee_krail
Subject : re : AAAAHHHH! Help me plzzzzz

I cant blieve dis! help me! respond asap! waah! o I cant take it-im moving!! *sniff*

No way !! u have got 2 b kidding! Make ur parents say no!!!!! I cant even think of u not here in NYC!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO no my BFFL!!!!

I cant help it, its official!! chat w/ me I have 2 move in like a month & yes, a few days after X-MAS!!!

I wiped my tears one last time as I clicked on ‘chat’ on NYCgrl204!. Then finally, she said something!.

Hannah : ryleeeeeeeeeeee
Rylee : hannahhhhhhhhhhh
Hannah : when r u moving!?!?
Rylee : dec 30! Isn’t that CRAZY!?!!?!?!!?!!?!
Hannah : WAT!?! That’s really crazy!
I cant live w/out u!
Rylee : ik…!.i cant live w/out u
Hannah : can I come over!?
Rylee : uhhh…I really want u 2 but I luk really bad rite now
Hannah : idc! I need 2 c u
Rylee : ok
Ask ur mom, im gunna ask mine
Hannah : brb
Rylee : my mom said kk
Hannah : so did mine
But u can actually come here
I mean If u want 2
Rylee : no y don’t u come here
U can
I don’t mind
Now come here NOW!!!!!
Hannah : ok ill b there in 5 min
J bb
Rylee : bb

I sighed and put my computer to sleep!. I glanced down, and gasped!. I still had my pajamas on!. After all, they had broken the news to us at breakfast!. Just thinking of that made me break down and made tears spill out from my sapphire blue eyes!.
‘No,’ I thought!. I needed to get a grip!.
I stood up, wiped the tears on my cloudy blue pajama pants and stumbled to my closet!. I pulled out my favorite old jeans and a red long-sleeved turtleneck!. I put my turtleneck over a blue tank top and pulled off my pajama pants and put on my jeans!. I wiped my eyes one last time, blew my nose one last time, and straightened out my hair one last time!.
I heard the doorbell ring and a few seconds later Hannah rushed into my sapphire blue room!. I had a window seat in the back of my room, a queen size bed near it, and a big black desk next to a tall white bookshelf near the entry!. A big white lamp stood next to 2 beanbags (both blue) and a tiny table for setting drinks and food while I read on a beanbag!.
Anyway, Hannah hugged me tight, and I hugged her back tighter!. She pulled back and looked at me sadly!.
“What do you want to do!?” she asked!.
“I don’t know!.” I looked at my cold, white tile floor as she spoke!.
“Do you wanna take a walk, or read, or just do nothing!?”
“I don’t know!.” I bawled, ducking my head between my knees!. Hannah hugged me and gave me some tissues!.
“Thanks!.” I sniffed!.
“Your welcome!. How about we just read!? Like a good book!. Or play DS!. No, no, never mind!.” Hannah continued to hug me!.
For half an hour we just sat there on the 2 beanbags hugging each other!. After 2 hours of reading our favorite book series ever, the Twilight saga, Hannah stood up to leave!. I watWww@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
oh my god, i would totally buy this booooook!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Maybe!.!.!. if theres a 'real', 'im about to get killed'- situation!.!.!. maybe then!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

ok well its ok it just seems like u should change peonix to somthing else and take out twilight it doesnt fit its ok not the best sorry it consturctive critisisomWww@QuestionHome@Com

The chatspeak makes my mind bleed, but it's chatspeak that's done well!.

I suggest you put "I cant take it-im moving!!" at the beginning of the message!. It's hard enough to decipher, it would be easier if the main point is at the beginning!.

I also suggest you don't repeat the former message in the email replies!. It's just the same words again, that's boring!.

Say two, not "2!." Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's great! I ? it!

suggestion: use a Mary Sue Litmus Test!. it comes in handy and spares you revisions on your character and story!.

Here is my favorite!
http://www!.springhole!.net/quizzes/marysu!.!.!.

also, have an editor!. They cam help with a few grammatical things and places in the story!. I can do this if you want!.

Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Honesty is the best policy soooo!.!.!.!.!. my opinion only -

the line - (I crawled to the edge of my bed, and stuck one foot out of the area of my bed) you said *of my bed* twice, it doesnt sound right!. I think it sounds okay but just as like a book for fun, i dont think it could get published im sorry!. Im not sure what your aiming for so i cant really help!. It just seems very random!? and very amateur!.
how old are you!?Www@QuestionHome@Com