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Question: I am 15 years old and practicing to become an author!. Please let me now what you think of this short story!.!?
This one is suppose to be kinda scary!. I hvnt worked on it much so i know its a little rough!. tell me what you think!.

The soft luminescent light of the moon shone above in its full beauty!. A goddess amongst its envious stars!. Their was no sound except the soft rustling of the golden grass against the gentle night's breeze!. No creature dared approach these ominous parts any longer!. The only sign of existing presence was an old, weathered cabin nested comfortably in the thickets of the harrowing trees just out of reach of the fields!. Deep in the interior of the cabin sat a warm, crackling fire underneath a crudely made fireplace, flames pumping gently yet as lively as a beating heart!. Its smoke curled upwards in a graceful dance through the chimney and out into the bitter cold night!. Sitting in a fragile wicker rocking chair was an old man with a worn down appearance!. His hair was as white as death and pointed in every direction as if it was trying to escape his scalp!. His skin was leathery and wrinkled with smears of dirt from the fields!. His milky white eyes stared vapidly at the locked door across from him!. He could vividly hear the chilling shrieks the creature was making on the other side of the door!. This was the second one this month he found scavenging in his fields!. He was becoming more cautious now that they where slowly starting to move closer to his home!. He found this one devouring a young fox like an animal!. Hell, they where animals, but not from here, he was certain of that!. He began to worry that the creature would attract attention and guide its hellish companions in this direction, so he kicked the door violently to shut it up, receiving only a hiss in return!. He had to kill it and soon!. He knew they could only be killed under the light of a full moon, so he stored this one in his basement for just that purpose!. He sighed one last time before forcing himself out of his chair and grabbed the cold barrel of his shotgun!. He walked to the door apprehensively and unlocked it with a click!. As soon as he opened the door the creature lunged with another hiss into the shadows of the basement!. He was beginning to grow accustomed to this routine!. He readied his gun and searched the shadows with a scowl on his face, determined not to show any fear!. He walked cautiously to the far end of the basement where he excepted it to be submerged behind the boxes!. As he put his finger on the trigger ready to shot on sight, he felt a slimy body collide with the his head and was immediately knocked to the ground while the creature dogged out of sight through the open basement door followed by breaking glass as it lunged out the kitchen window!. Damn! now he had to hunt it down through the fields!. He wasted no time in running out the front door and into the night!. He immediately spotted it across the field!. It was a repulsive looking thing, about the size of a child!. It had slimy gray skin with a swollen head too big for its body!. It was covered in warts and long wispy hairs!. It stared back at him with its luminous yellow eyes before it raced on all fours further through the field!. The chase was on!. He pumped his legs as fast as he could trying not to pry his eyes form the creatures back!. He couldn't let it get away!. It new where he lived now!. The thing galloped ahead making ear splitting screams that sent chills down the old man's back!. It was calling for help!. It ran to the edge of the woods before it came to a sudden halt and suddenly turned towards the old man with a nefarious grin on it's face revealing its razor sharp fangs!. It was a trap! The old man quickly veered the other way as he spotted more of them pouring out of the forest!. He ran full force determined to make it to the safety of his cabin!. He new it was in vain though!. They where gaining on him!. He didnt even have the time to look back before he felt the the cold hands of one grab him by the shoulders yanking him to the ground and sinking its dagger-like fangs into him injecting him with poison that left him immediately paralyzed!. He knew it was over now!. They finally got him!. and as they drug him through the woods and into the darkness of their cave he was too scared to notice the bones of other people scattered on the ground!. It was over!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Very very good, but like one poster said there's a bit too much purple prose in the beginning, meaning the description is a bit of an overkill!. You want to set the scene not hit the reader over the head with it and ram it down their throats!. Don't worry about using he or he's too much!. In books on writing they say one of the mistake new writers is feeling the need to vary word like he or he said!. Your story is written in the third person so it's logical that you would use the word he or he's a lot!. I like the rest of the descriptions in the story, to me it felt just right!. I could picture what was going on!. I think your pacing is good to it doesn't take long to get lost in the story!. The only other thing I would suggest is describing the old man's fear a little bit!. Was he sweating!? Was his heart racing!? Things like that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Nice description!. Try breaking it up with dialogue, though!. It gets a little long and heavy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

To be honest I think it's over written!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I enjoyed it!. Belive it or not, although his subject matter was completely different, your writing style reminds me of the late Ian Fleming!. Keep at it, allow your imagination to escape the box as they say!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Of course, being a rough draft, I'm sure you know that you need to check grammar and all that good stuff!. Other than the fact that just a few words were used too many times, I really liked your story!. I was sad when the monsters caught the old man, which is good, because that means you made him very real and sort of a hero!. It also scared me, and I'm old enough not to get scared at stuff like that!. It made me go make sure my windows are locked! good luck!. You have talent ! Www@QuestionHome@Com

I highly suggest you go to fictionpress!.com and post your work there!. They have a dedicated userbase and it specializes in helping amateur authors get feedback!.

My feedback: You need to check grammar!. I think you need more sentence variety as well to help the flow, so try breaking up some sentences or combining others to get more variety!. also, you use "he" to start many sentences and should try to change that to avoid being repetitive!. I feel like you need to show things more, rather than tell!. The -ly words (vividly, etc!.) should be reconsidered to help remedy this!. Overall, I think this is pretty decent and a good concept, but you really need to edit and revise your work before you can get true feedback on the story itself rather than the mechanics!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It got my attention and I kept reading!

Just three things:
1!. watch your spelling - your computer's spell checker won't be much help!.

2!. be absolutely sure you know the meaning of the words you use

Words are your tools and you need to fully comprehend the meaning of each word that you use!.

3!. Paragraphs!. Reading wall to wall text is not on!

Otherwise, wonderful!. You know how to capture your audiences' attention and keep them riveted!. Well done! Keep working at it!. You have what it takes to make a great story teller!.

Thank you for this story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com