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Question: Would any good writers / editors care to critique three paragraphs!?
I'm currently writing the first draft of my first novel, and I want everything to be prefect!. If you have any input, be honest and please don't sugar coat anything!. If it's terrible, feel free to say so, but at the same time please offer any advice!.

One more note: These are the first paragraphs of the book!. Do they make you want to continue reading!?

- - -

Imagine this:
You are growing up with many close friends who invite you to the movie theatre every time a good flick comes to the big screen!. You are blessed with a father to admire, a mother to take care of you, and a younger sister to protect!. You are getting good grades in school, and have recently begun to explore your future – Colleges, careers, the whole package!. Albeit, life is far from perfect, you are still able to wake up each morning with a smile on your face and momentum in your heart – Momentum to live every day to the fullest!.

Now imagine this:
Instead of visiting the movie theatre with your friends, you are sitting on a bed, vomiting into a basin because your stomach cannot handle the high doses of chemotherapy!.
Your father worries about you all day and all night, your mother cries quietly as she drifts off into a troubled slumber, and your sister watches you from across the room, wondering if you will be with her as she grows up!. You wake up each morning feeling as tired as you felt the night before, and every day you fight against a vicious disease that has claimed many, many lives, and now threatens your own!.

The disease is childhood cancer!.
Every school day, forty-six children are diagnosed with cancer!. One in three hundred children will be diagnosed before their twentieth birthday!. Cancer is the number one killer of children in the United States and is more deadly than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy, Asthma, and AIDS combined!.
Every child diagnosed with cancer comes from a different background; they all have unique personalities with distinct goals and aspirations for their lives!. Moreover, each child has a different story!. This is the story of one of those children!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think this is good!.
I would only change one thing, which I'll mention since you ask!.
Try "Although life is far from perfect, you are still able!.!.!."
Suggesting that because in an otherwise smooth read, the use of 'Albeit' slows the reader as the only word there that just doesn't fit with the rest!.

I would be happy to read the story of this child!.
I think cancer is a subject that many people have dealt with (or may in the future) even 'simply watching' family/friends battle this disease in its many forms, as I have!.

Good going!.
One word of caution: As you wrote in your prologue here, 'life is far from perfect,' and so is most writing, even good writing!.
Very little of anything I know about is 'perfect,' so suggest you try not to set that high a goal for yourself per: your lead-in asking for critiques!.

Oops!. Another word of caution: if you plan to try for publication (not vanity press but real publication) suggest you post no more online!.
It is not unheard of for scouts, agents, publishers to take a look at what is online, and if they see a piece cross their desk they recall seeing online, free, for millions to read already!.!.!. there will be no sale!.

ADD: The terminology around oncology is rather mysterious to most of us, but the chemo I saw being given was by I!.V!.
It looked like a 'dose' to me; but I have no idea what it's name is!. Chemo is usually given during a set time, though for some a return for more occurs!. Ah, you prob'ly know what you need to know on that!. If not, you know how to do research!.

No caps after a dash is correct and a good call!.
Disease names in caps, I'd say, depends on why/when/who and et cetera!. Like I said, very little is perfect and one of the beauties of writing is that, barring grammar error, a writer (even with grammar error in some cases) does as thought best and as long as the story supports 'different' usage, differences can work!.
Thinking now of Vonnegut's reporting on the bombing of Dresden, which he was indeed witness to and gives himself one line about in Slaughterhouse-Five ("Oz") which is not only factual but a sci-fi time-travel story as well!.

2nd ADD: Your use of 'momentum' in the heart is fine as it is explained immediately!. It's a word you're using to describe a 'feeling,' which is a sensation many people allocate to the heart!.
And I think every child DOES come from a different background, as even those in the same family see the dynamics around them differently!. If you want to clarify that, it's done easily enough by using a substitute for 'background,' but not really so necessary here!.
This IS your first draft, after all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's pretty good!. I love the sense of drama at the end of the last paragraph!.
I would probably read this story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Up until the last sentence it sounds like one of those PSAs you'd hear on tv asking for donations!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the contrasting lives and then the description!. It's an interesting introduction to a story!.

There is some clunky sentence construction, grammar and word usage!. Some things that stood out for me:

A heart cannot have "momentum!." "Albeit" is a very formal word to use for a casual narrative (and doesn't need a comma)!. Don't capitalize a word after a dash!.

You don't get a "dose" of chemotherapy; it's either a dose of medicine or a round of chemotherapy!. Instead of "many, many" lives, give a number--hundreds, thousands!.

Don't capitalize the names of diseases (except AIDS, but that's because it's an acronym)!.

It's a very broad brush to say that "every" child comes from a different background; I'm sure there are many with the same types of backgrounds!.

As you can tell, I'm kind of a nitpicker!. Www@QuestionHome@Com