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Position:Home>Books & Authors> Is this story any good?Question: Is this story any good!? pffT! im no pro so dont expect much lol It loomed above me like a storm cloud, ready to strike, to tear me limb from limb!. I was helpless, but another bug struggling in its impenetrable web!. Its eyes were cold, no trace of hate, of anger , just a silent curiosity that chilled to the bone!. It bared fangs of dripping blood, fangs that longed to have just one more taste of that sweet ,sweet taste!. It drew closer , each step adding a new wave of terror into my heart , I tried to scream, my broken ribs let out a terrible warning!. I couldn’t move, couldn’t scream!. The pain was relentless mixed with the terrible fear of my certain death!. End it I pleaded in my mind!. He drew down once again, and buried his fangs into my neck !. It was over!. I opened my eyes, it seemed like I’d been asleep for a hundred years!. I was lying in a deserted alleyway, I stumbled to my feet , my eyes were struggling against the bright light, I didn’t know if I was dead or alive!. Wherever I was , life seemed different!. Colours more distinct and bright, more energy than I could every imagine , and a distinct almost unnatural sense of smell!. I ran out past the alleyway and kept running , running in the street , chasing the cars , light as a feather I ran , taking in the sounds , the smells the life of the city!. Then it hit me!. The sweetest smell you could ever imagine!. Nothing could match it , not the sweetest chocolate éclair!. I needed it , I longed for it , it would drive me mad if I could not have it!. I ran , following the smell , as it grew more and more distinct, finally I could smell it so clearly I could almost taste it!. A little girl lay on the ground, on a park bench , her leg was bleeding onto the grass!. She cried and moaned!. I eyed her carefully and she screamed , a chilling scream!. I could smell the liquid all through her body it would be mine , I lunged forward ready to quench my ravenous self… Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: good! maybe you should call her bella and name it twilight! it would be a best seller!Www@QuestionHome@Com it feels a bit too intense and there are alot of tired old expressions!. But the main problem is punctuation and phrasing: some of those commas should be fullstops and the clauses are too short and punchy, making it hard to get into the story!. a good start, though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com good but not so interesting Www@QuestionHome@Com Don't listen to them!. I like it, I have enjoyed reading everyone's stories today and editing them! Lol!. The second person I think it was mentioned punctuation; I would add that this needs work as well!. Improper punctuation can lead to run on sentences, fragmented sentences, and sentences that don't make any sense!. Check your spelling and step back and read it as if you were someone reading it for the first time!. Ask yourself questions; why did this happen!? Why did he feel that way!? When you answer those questions make the necessary changes!. Keep asking teachers, librarians, friends, relatives, anyone you can to read it and pretty soon you'll have a work of art!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com |