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Question: Do you like my story!? wondering !?
the ending sucks i wanted to leave people wondering and no this is not a sex story its just me telling a story


Hayley


Main Person

Likes:

Eating

Playing Pranks With Fred And George

Singing

Dancing like no one is watching

Likes to have snowball fights

She Likes To Read And Gets Straight A even tho Fred And George still doesn’t know how is so smart she falls asleep in class all the time

Likes to play with her dog (gift from George)

Dislikes:

Anyone who is rude

Anyone Who Hurts Animals

Snape

The people who are close minded



About her: She’s really sweet but if anyone hurts her she well never forget or forgive

She loves yellow things

She has a dog that George changed it yellow for her 14th birthday

When she’s 18 she is going to kiss George she’s liked him since the first day they mat on the train and they asked if they could sit with her but that’s another story for another time

She is going to be 18 soon and dose not think she can kiss him for fear that he will laugh at her

She only stands at 4”9 but George always made her feel better for Beening so short (o I just love shorter girls so much better at kissing he said)

Her mother passed away from someone who killed her

It left her and her father very losted and they didn’t have that much money

she always thought of saving herself for George but one summer when she came home her dad made her have sex with guys for money it really fucked her up for along time

But she overcame it



Conner


Main Person

Her Twin Brother

Likes:

Singing he is the lead singer in his band pop rock (copy written don’t steal)

His shop he opened after he left Hogwarts

Spending time with his wife and child

Getting tattoos

Dislikes:

Rude nasty people

When people cry



George

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You should know everything about him





--Hayley

Dream--
She got into a fight with George they didn’t talk for along time till one day his mother called her and told her she needed to get down to the hospital he told her everything how he chose to have that fight with her so he wouldn’t have to know that he had cancer and it was going to kill him they both cried and fell asleep on his chest the next few hours wore the hardest she woke up to him kissing the top of her head he said I love you love I have to leave to now but I will be watching over you and they kissed for the last time she held on to him for dear life she didn’t want to let him go she new when she did that he would be really gone his mother took you back home with her and took you to his room and as she was crying she said to look under his pillow and she left the room as she looked under the pillow the smell of him hit her like a pound of bricks she started to cry but took the note

And this is what it said

"If I live I'm going to tell Hayley

everything and ask her to marry me!. I'm going to give her this ring!."
and there was a beautiful engagement ring!.
"If I live I'm going to give her my favorite sweatshirt!."
and by the bed was his favorite sweatshirt
"If I live I'm going to take her to that concert she always wanted to see!."
and there were two tickets
If I live im going to make her the mother of my kids

The list went on and on she looked on the back and saw something

But if I don’t make it and your reading this Hayley

just know even if I couldn’t do all this for you I will still love you so much please move on and be happy but always wear my ring please

As she around his room she saw all the pictures of him and her and she started to scre……!.!.

Hayley

!!!!!!
She jumped up and hit her head on someone else’s who ever woke her up anyways

Hayley are you ok it was George she jumped on him and started to cry he just rocked her suhhh its ok Hayley don’t cry im right here howw didd youuu knoww she said still crying I just did as she buried her head deep in his chest she inhaled his smell he picked her up and took her to the bathroom as he started to take off her shirt and pjs to put her in the bathtub she said no no no don’t leave me take a shower with me please just don’t leave me ok ok he said as he locked the door even tho no one was there when they wore both naked he stepped in the tub first and sat down she sat on him and laid back
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is one big run-on sentence!. With correct punctuations and capitalizations, it would be a lot easier to read!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

To be honest not really I'm sorry!. Its seems too stereotypical, without much complex expression or elaboration of characters- their thought processes, etc!. Its unbelievable to characterise hayley into likes and dislikes just as simply as that!. Its also to focused on plot and events!. Exceptional short stories will be able to tell a story not through the plot but through the language used!. I am assuming this is an edit because of punctuation problems etc, so you just wanted an opinion on a draft, but really i would use a lot more symbolism, figurative language, saying i love you and happy etc, its not really meaningful or have much expression when just said like that!. You could take your story, and the ideas you have developed, and try and twist them so that you still use and reveal the same ideas but just in a much more different perspective!. Think of different symbolic ways love is shows, or hurt pain emotion etc!. Really delve into something completely non related on face value to explain it and see where your imagination takes you!.

Again this is only my opinion, and each to his own taste!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

no i do not like your story!.
it is an insult to professional writers everywhere that this could even be labeled as a "story!."
by the way, those things i just used up there, they're called quotation marks!. use them!. and use them PROPERLY!. and the little dots i put at the ends of my sentences, they're called periods!. you should use them too!. and the dot with the little swoopy line!? that's a comma!. need i say more!?Www@QuestionHome@Com