Position:Home>Books & Authors> Can i use these lines as the intro to my story? any critique or suggestion or op
Question: Can i use these lines as the intro to my story!? any critique or suggestion or opinion!? plz !?
I give her the keys !. I walk out with no regrets!. I don’t need it anymore!. I felt an enormous relieve I just want to be tranquil, just to distract my mind from everything!.
I walk down to go to my house which is on the same block!. That day was cloudy and cold!. I even heard in the news a storm was coming but of course, like always I didn’t care at all !. These lasts days the weather has been out of control !. The typical weather of NYC in autumn, one day is cold the next one is warm!. I always had a dilemma with clothing, I never knew what to wear, either sweater or a coat!. Anyways, since everything was close to me now that I move near to my cousins and where I used to lived, everything seems easier and I didn’t have to cover myself to much since I didn’t have to walk at all!. However I wasn’t completely satisfied!. sometimes I felt annoyed every time I walk down the dark and noisy streets of the block, which would also panic away any new boarders, but for me it was something usual!. after, the small walk , I finally got in front of my building, I claim the exhausting stairs of my building as every single day, to get to my floor, my new, lonely and expensive apartment on the fifty floor!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You switch between past and present tense with no reason that I see!.
Comments on action and clothing dilute each other!.
Unsure why 'new boarders' are mentioned!.
Unsure why the character first mentions '!.!.!.I didn't have to walk at all' followed by a description of walking!.
As your work is set up at present, I must say it's confusing and jumps from not only one tense to another but also from one topic to another!.
A reworking of this, making a flow of information much easier to follow, would be good!.
Suggest you stick with active voice writing!.
Suggest details support action rather than distract from it!.
And yeah, you'll need to do your spell and grammar check (remember a machine does not catch all spelling errors, nor grammar errors)!.
It seems like it may be a good story, but as most writing does, it needs rewrites!.
An outline (and some decisions) may help you organize this!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I am an Indian writer in English, so may not be qualified!. Still, I feel the grammar is wrong somewhere (Tense) Or is it intentional!. The plot seems to be ok!. All the bestWww@QuestionHome@Com
You should start with the weather in NYC, then go on about to the keys!.
I agree with the journo that has a degree!.Www@QuestionHome@Com