Position:Home>Books & Authors> Here are a couple of paragraphs i enjoyed writing?
Question: Here are a couple of paragraphs i enjoyed writing!?
these are pieces that I took from my writing, are they good!?
oh and one thing i get is i use way to many commas, (so i use a comma) and I know i do but i havn't fixed it yet!.
"We sat silently again, this time for longer!. I shifted closer to him, and he to me!. And we sat, on top of a hill, our legs and arms intertwined, watching the sun set!."
"Just as the sun was about to set, and the sky started to turn orange, me and Jason spotted a tree that looked climbable!. We reached a high up branch, and sat down beside each other!. Our fingers once again interlocked, our grip was so tight it threatened to brake our knuckles!. Jason looked at me, his beautiful grey eyes burning into mine, and somehow at this moment, I felt closer to him then anyone else in the world!."
"What I saw was one of the weirdest things I had seen since the tornado!. It was Jason, sitting at the bottom of the tree, but he was staring at his hand as if it had just jumped of his arm, grew legs did a little dance and then jumped back on!. "
thanks so much, and also please say what you think no matter what!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It needs more detail in the little things that the person telling the story notices, like the way the grass feels, etc!. Something to break the reader's attention from the main event, creating multiple layers!. also, you could replace some of the commas with transitions and other punctuation, like ; and !. !. Better vocab could also help!.
But I love the passion!.!.!.I just hope it isn't like that ALL the time! :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
First off, you have problems with spelling and grammar!.
"me and Jason" should be "Jason and I"!.
"brake" should be "break"
The rest of the prose seems rather strange!. I don't really know what this is about!. Especially the last part!. It sounds disjointed!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Maybe it's just me - but I always have a hard time reading wishy-washy scenes about lovers!. Probably it's because a) the way it's written and b) the books I am used to reading usually involves a gun at the end of the paragraph and a dead lover to go along with the gun!. (Hey, dead bodies pep up any story - find me a classic that doesn't have a dead body in it!.)
As for your third paragraph - it avoided the "we-were-meant-to-be-together" scenario, but then I was thrown off by the description of his hand!. It took me a second to realize we were discussing his hand!. But, like I said, maybe it's just me!.Www@QuestionHome@Com