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Question: What do you think of my short story!? !?

It's based on my homework!. I have to write a true life memory when I was 12 years old!. I'm 16 now!. Is there any grammatical errors!? Please let me know what you think!. Thanks!.



It was a sinister night and I was in my diminutive balcony lettering random words in my journal near the barrier with my cell phone next to me!. I was bored stiff at that moment!. I constantly wished to grow up to be a FBI agent and work for the NYC government!. At times, I would change my mind because I always thought of myself I wasn’t that good enough!. I am only 12 years old!. The clouds were deep dark with lilting blue stars!. I could see the moonlight shine across my balcony in harmony!. Red flashes of light ruptures the outline of my roof, a navy blue car approaches to my parking lot, and I ducked!. Good grief!.!.!.is that dad!. No way—it just couldn’t be!. Dad is supposed to be in Virginia right now for a documental profession!. I stoop my head and clench my teeth as the flashes of red lights go off and a broadly tall man steps out of the vehicle wearing only black with a hoodie concealing his identity!. Who is this man!? I wondered!. A few seconds later, he pulls out a tool from out of his pocket!. It was too dark, I couldn’t see a thing only his dark figure standing on my porch now!. I lowered my head and peeped at the strange man!. What was he doing!? He looked around him for a split second and stomped the tool in the knob, as I perceive its whiny sounds!. It couldn’t be a burglar!?! Our house door was sturdy and thick I don’t believe he can cork it open whatsoever!. I haul for my journal, write the time, and date describing the strange man’s features!. And I reach for my cell phone and dial the police department, in fear!. The strange man appeared to be having problems unlocking the flap!. I chuckled as he looked up but I dive down before he could even glance me!. Two minutes later, the police pull in with hidden sirens and arrested the strange man!.
“What is your name, young lady!?” asked one of the tough-looking police officers!.
“Sarah,” I replied, shy and in merriment!.
“You have a very smart daughter,” said the officer to my Mom!. “You should be proud of her!. Our detectives took months to find this interloper!. Your daughter had done a very good job, I hope once she grows up she will be prepared to be a member of our team!.”
“I smiled, “not a chance!.”
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Good for a 16 year old!. I guess English is your second language, like me!.

Too many superlatives and adjectives and too many ideas in some sentences!. Did you use a thesaurus to help write this!? Diminutive, interloper, are not words commonly used in English nowadays!.

Try keeping one idea per sentence and keep them simple!. For example, here is your first sentence: It was a sinister night and I was in my diminutive balcony lettering random words in my journal near the barrier with my cell phone next to me!. I was bored stiff at that moment!.

It could be simplified like this: It was a cold, damp night and I was feeling really bored!. I sat shivering outside on our small balcony and tried to write in my journal!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's great! It's awesome how you described the night and how you dreamed of becoming an FBI agent! Nice work, and there are a few grammatical erorrs, but I'm sure they are accidental!. Good job with it!Www@QuestionHome@Com