My story, its not that long, do you like it?

Question: My story, its not that long, do you like it!?

Any suggestions, comments, confusion, or editing needed!?

http://www!.writing!.com/main/view_item/it!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I think it's really good but I think that when kaleb s on the phone it sounds like him and hunt are friends so I think you should change 'get the councillor' to 'can you get the councilor' or 'I need the councillor' because at the moment it sounds as if kaleb is ordering hunt about!.

also I don't understand this bit!. '“He felt it too!. How is that possible!? I thought your guy’s heads were protected!.” Is it the councillor Hunt is talking about when he says 'he felt it too!.' of or kaleb!. If kaleb then it shouls say 'you felt it too!?'
But apart from that its great!

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(I won't lie, I got lazy and skimmed through it!.) Well, you could use tone (which, if you don't know the definition, is the emotion you give off to the reader)!. More description-- unless your style is vague!. Your writing could use more work, in a sense that the book didn't flow, but was rather choppy!. However, I loved your creative usage!. Very nice!.

Good luck, you have something going here!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm signed up to http://www!.chapteread!.com this cool writing site I've been on!. You might want to try posting there for some more feedback and critiques!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Maybe a little too much Dialogue, but i still liked it, good plot !Www@QuestionHome@Com