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Question: What do you think of this scene!?
This is a small part of the last chapter from my book, I have chapter 1-3 done but now i'm writing the last one!. Tell me what you think
So basically Wayne is in a car and being taken to a secret agency and he has a sack over his head and his hands are tied behind his back
All of a sudden a hand grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him back against the seat with some force!. A click that Wayne knew was a gun being loaded was heard right before an object was pressed against his face!.
‘Shut up, or I’ll shut you up!.’ A voice threatened!.
The gun stayed in place, almost begging for Wayne to say something so it could release the bullet from it's chamber!. Wayne took a deep breath…
‘Bring it!.’ he taunted!.
Through the darkness of the sack Wayne made out the sound of the unknown man’s finger making contact with the trigger, he threw himself away from the attacker as the bullet left the chamber!. His foot flew upwards and kicked away the gun, at the same time the bullet ripped a hole in the headrest where Wayne was sitting!. The gun was now descending from the air, Wayne could hear the sound of it cutting through the air, he sat up, spun around and caught the gun in his restrained hands!. They felt the car come to a stop as the attacker threw himself onto him trying to restrain him!. Wayne rolled off the seat causing the man to fall off under him!. This was his chance Wayne lay on his back on top of his attacker, the gun in his restrained hands pressed right into the mans chest!.
‘And this is a new shirt!.’ Wayne said pulling the trigger to feel the mans blood splatter all over the back of his new shirt!.
Wayne still with the sack tied over his head heard the car door open!.
‘What the ****!?’ He heard the driver yell!.
‘I know, I know, look what the ****** did to my shirt!.’ Wayne replied
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's different!. It could be a real fire-cracker!.
I assume you'll get around to re-writing in time, as this needs it (most writing does)!.
When you do your revisions, suggest you go for more active-voice writing!.
That means that Wayne hears someone load a gun, rather than "A click that Wayne knew was a gun being loaded was heard!.!.!."
Every time you tack an unnecessary use of the word 'was' onto a verb, the verb becomes passive rather than active, and this should be a very active scene!.
Let your writing become as active as what you describe!.
For a look at differences between active and passive voice in writing you might want to follow the links below!.!.!.
http://en!.wikipedia!.org/wiki/Grammatical!.!.!.
http://en!.wikipedia!.org/wiki/Show_don't_!.!.!.
Or at least read this out-loud and see what you can cut out to keep it lean and mean!.
It's different (and is it all possible to actually do!? be sure) and it will be more interesting when you cull the deadwood from slow sentences!. I like the general premise!.
Best of luck with this!.
PS!. Regarding cliches and 'done before' writing: a great deal of popular writing has been done before, many times!. Most stories have their roots in ancient oral tradition, even as weapons and languages differ!.
What makes any story stand out is originality and expertise in presentation, in my opinion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's a tad clique, it mirrors a lot of scenes from a lot of books!. So, I agree with the first answerer, it is a tad amateurish!. But besides that, not bad!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I don't know!. The writing style is a bit amateurish!.
Although you are telling it in a third party POV, it is still Wayne's POV and should be consistent!.
If Wayne is blinded by a sack over his head how would he know the gun was descending!? Or even where it was!? When something is falling, there really is no sound!.
‘Shut up, or I’ll shut you up!.’ is cliche and so is "Bring it!."
And how can the driver not hear all that racket going on!? Is he deaf!?
Be careful about making sense!.
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