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Question: My story!? yay or nay!? not done yet!?
My mom and I were in a red convertible, the top was down and my long black hair was flowing behind me!. We were laughing, enjoying ourselves!. My eyes drifted to hers, away from the road; her expression was blank, I was looking at no one!. The car ran into the ditch and wrapped around a huge oak!.
I woke up in a cold sweat!. I never realized how annoying my alarm sounded!.
It was my 16th birthday, the day my father was taking me to get a car!. My alarm clock beckoned me to get out of my warm bed and pick out something that could take me to and from a future job!. A car to me means way more than that, it means freedom!. It means not having to plan around the bus’s schedule, driving to pick up something when I wanted to, not when my parents had the time!. It was the first day I could remember when I hadn’t pushed snooze!.
I walked down to the kitchen to see my dad reading the paper!. I smelled the comforting scent of bacon and black coffee!. “Hey dad, is mom home!?” he mumbled something I couldn’t understand; I figured she was still at the hospital, it happened a lot with her being a nurse!. Mom will come home at about lunchtime, go to bed, wake up and start all over again!. Its like she is not even here most days!.
“are you ready to go pick out your birthday present!?” I made that out even though it came out of a cereal filled mouth!. “almost!.”
I had to call drake, his phone would be turned off so I was thinking about what message I would leave!. “hey drake, I am going to pick out my car in a few minutes, I wish you could come, I could use your expertise” I gave a halfhearted laugh!. “talk to you later” I hung up quickly, anxious to get on the road!.
It was hard to be excited when we pulled up to the used car dealership, the selection was terrible!. My main goal was to get something that would at least ride okay!.


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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Although there are exceptions, I would say:
Never start a story with a dream sequence!. Too cliche!.
Especially that one!.

Break it up in more readable paragraphs!. A new paragraph for each new thought or idea!.

Other than the dream, nothing interesting is really happening!. Unless you make something exciting happen real soon, you will lose your readers!.




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You need paragraphs!. I bet 20 people came to this question but theres still only one person who finished the story!.
Paragraphs, otherwise its just going on and on!.

Its nice, but the beginning sounds more like chicken soup to me!.

If this is in the middle of a story somewhere then its ok, butif this is how it starts then its a little boring!? Start with a dream!? Nothing catchy so far!.
And a little too 'written by a 14 year old girl' type!.Www@QuestionHome@Com