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Question: Okay here is the first paragraph on my new story, how is it!? PLEASE READ!!?
Yes it's about Vampires!. But not the Human girl falling in love with a Vampire type book!. I want to do something different!. How do you like it!? And tell me if I made any mistakes, and if I need to change anything!.!.!.!.!.!?

The Vanus Clan has been fighting the Balmier Clan for hundreds of years!. My Great, great, great, Grandparents started it all!. Six hundred years ago my Great, great Uncle was killed by some sort of monster!. And they blamed it on the Balmier clan!. They found Uncle Rican in the Venice Canal, his skin was white and pasty!. When they pulled his body out they found that face had been marked with the Balmier family crest!. My Grandparents were devastated!. Rican wasn’t that old…he was 234 years old!. Why they don’t think that’s old I don’t know, don’t ask me!. Vampires live to be thousands of years old!. But Rican hadn’t lived to see his 250th birthday!. That made them extremely upset, like blood lusting berserk!. They stormed over to the Balmier estate and confronted the head of the family…Allen Balmier!. He denied it of course saying they his clan had nothing to do with it!. But none of the Vanus believed them!. They ended up killing Griffin Balmier, the heir to the Balmier estate!. When Allen Balmier heard the news of his sons death he was furious!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i like it i would read this!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Cool!. Fix some capitalization in there!. Like, "great" isn't supposed to be capitalized!. It's just: great, great, great grandfather!. And grandparents isn't supposed to be capitalized, either!. Other than that, it sounds so cool!. Love it!. :) Www@QuestionHome@Com

It sounds interesting!. What is the synopsis!?

As for this particular paragraph, it reads a little like an essay!. I think you need to infuse a little personality into the narrative!.

Good luck with your story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I absolutely love when people try and make a boo or story or screenplay, unfortunately I have to be honest I think you should introduce us to the story a bit before hitting us with a rushed paragraph!.

The story starts way too fast and the pace is unstable!.

My rendition

Since the dawn of time the existence of the Vanus Vampire Clan and the Balmier Vampire Clan have been known in shadows!. Both clans lived in peace among themselves, until one night, six hundred years ago the tragedy happened which tore the clans apart!. My ancestors were from the Vanus Clan and on the fateful night my great Uncle's Rican body was found decapitated with his limbs missing as if a monster had tore him apart!. Upon further examination a Balmier clan seal was found embedded upon my Uncle's forehead, my ancestors were devastated and the uncontrollable anger made them want revenge for what had happened!. On that night members of the Vanus Clan, including my ancestors gathered in a meeting place were it was settled that before any action can be made regarding the death of member "Rican" they would go to the Balmier estate and ask for an explanation!. Members of the Vanus clan including my ancestors were sent to the Balmier castle, upon arriving they were greeted as if nothing had happened, the members of the Vanus clan sat down and asked Allen Balmier the head of the Balmier Clan if he knows anything that had happened to the Vanus clan victim!. Allen immediately denied any part of it and called Vanus Clan accusations treacherous and asked them to kindly leave his presence!. Furious with how the situation was dealt , Vanus members decided they had no choice but avenge the death of one of their own!. As the Balmier castle laid still in the myst of dawn, members of the Vanus clan quickly sneaked in the basement resident quarters of Allen Balmier's son Griffin the heir to the throne!. As he laid restful a sharpened wooded cross punctured a wound into the heart of the soulless vampire, killing him!. The members of the Venus Clan quickly ran away , as the sun came up the next morning, Allen balmier had awoke only to see one of his guards cornered in fear, he notices that he is covered in blood, he fears the worst and runs to his son's room, only to see his beloved son killed!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com