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Question: Rate this description please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… Out of 10!?
Summers Night!.
When the night was still young,
and the warm Summer's breeze wandering
through the air,
When the night was still innocent,
and the winds carrying the fallen leaves
to nowhere,
When the night was still a mystery,
it was the Winter's gale that could travel no further!.
for it was cold,
its mind guilty,
and for it was no longer
the warm breeze of the young and innocent,
Summer's Night!.
Thats it!!!!! Rate it out of 10 please!. Im only in year 9 so i can take harsh words so dont be tooo kind!.
also, in stanza 3, line 2, ( Winter's gale ) What can i change that to!?!?!? ( Autume drought!? )
Need few ideas and tips on that please,
And any other few ideas and tips would be still welcome!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Some very good stuff in here, that speaks a fine promise in talent, though a bit of polishing would not go amiss!. Out of 10, I'd give it a 7 as it stands, but a 10 for its potential!. I am hyped! But let me make an alteration or two, just to demonstrate thrift in writing, and flow!.
When the night was still young,
Summer's warm breeze wandering
through the air,
The night was still innocent,
its winds harrying fallen leaves
everywhere and nowhere,
Still a mystery,
Came yet, the Winter's gale
Cold, and guilty of mind!.
For it has iced the warmth
of the young and innocent,
Summer's Night!.
There's one obvious flaw, that being the use of when, which implies a terminus of some sort, and though you do have one, it's a trifle undefined!. I like a good punch at the end of a poem!. And this is emphatically a poem, whatever you choose to call it!. They don't have to rhyme, you know!. Blank verse, metered or otherwise, can be both satisfying and eloquent!. In fact, I prefer it, cause it makes it much more difficult to fall into the old iambic pentameter trance of Ta-Dah, ta-Dah!. ta-Dah, ta-DAH!. But if you look at my example, you'll notice the pairing of ideas through proximity and minimal punctuation, and the natural progression from warmth to chill, innocence to guilt, and so on!. You're clever; you'll get that!.
BTW, I like the Winter's gale, which is where this poem appeared to be headed, and the 'icing' part takes care of the Autumn factor, though by inference, which is enough to cover everythiing but Spring!. Which you might tuck in at the beginning, at least by implication, to round out the whole Seasons motif!. Now that would be a lovely and thoughtful pregression!. Perhaps:
When the night was still young,
warming to Summer's breeze
in its wander through the air,
Above all, keep practicing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
7/10
Comments:
1!.) add a "was" before the wandering in the second line
2!.) add "were" before the carrying in fifth line
3!.) take out the word "for" in the third to last line and change it to "so"
4!.) it's kind of confusing to say that the summer's night was cold!. Wouldn't it be relatively warm!?
5!.) the "guilty mind" line is intriguing, but what might it be guilty about!? I would suggest providing more hints in the poemWww@QuestionHome@Com
I wouldn't change anything, I really like it!. Seriously I really really like it!.
Outta 10, unless your a famous poet you'd only get 10, so I'd give you a 9Www@QuestionHome@Com
6/10 some of the words don't flow and parts it really don't make sense!. also, you could use better word choice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
10/10 i think its great!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
hmm its sounds really good but i would change it to autums chilling that could go no further but other than that it sounds awesome!!! i give u a 9!.5=) Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'd give it a 9/10!. I thought is was great =) Www@QuestionHome@Com