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Question: Can anyone give me some good things to put in my story!?
ok, My story is call "GIRL IN AN ALL BOYS BOARDING SCHOOL" :D

this is the last chapter i did!.!.!.!.

Chapter 9 I will sing for you

We stood there staring at the theme park for a while and then I led the boys into the abandoned theme park and we saw…!.

Broken roller coasters, old cotton candy stands, the old Ferris wheel and a lot more broken down rides and stands!.

First we walked around the place and broke some things!. It was heaps of fun!. Then for some weird reason we started playing hide and seek!.

Later when Jay was chasing me around the whole place I fell to the ground and he said he fell on top of me “by accident”!. We started kissing and then we got bored with it so we all started lying in the tall grass and watching the stars!.

Then I had an idea, “guys, lets play truth or dare” they all agreed and we all dared each other to do crap and bla bla bla!. Then I thought of the greatest dare alive!. “Matt, I dare you to…GO ON THE FERRIS WHEEL!. Mwuhahaha!.” “Uhh, but are you sure it’s safe” he said scared!. “Look if you don’t go on it you have to kiss Chris!.” Chris just sighed!. “Ugh, fine I will go on it, but if I die then Dann please sue her for me!.” He joked!.

He hopped in one of the cages and I checked the thing that starts the Ferris wheel!. It worked “holy **** it works” I said out loud!. The other guys just sat there cheering Matt!. I started the ride and it was creaking!.

Then At the top while we watched him scared shitless we heard a big bang and saw dust everywhere!. One of the poles that hold the Ferris wheel up snapped!. “****, NOOOOO MATT I WILL SAVE YOU” I yelled and ran over to stop the Ferris wheel to stop it!. “HALP ME” yelled Matt!. But it was too late!. The Ferris wheel was already stumbling over and Jay grabbed me before it crashed, but I was trying to get out of his arms yelling “MATT, NOOO MATT” I started crying and when the whole thing fell down I got out of Jay’s arms and ran over to the coaster!.

I ran over a bits and pieces that were lying everywhere looking for Matt!. Then I saw him, it was something that I never wanted to see!. Matt’s body was lying there lifeless and cover in dust and blood!. I fell to the ground crying and yelling “IT’S ALL MY FAULT, WHAT HAVE I DONE” Jay came over to comfort me “babe, it’s not your fault, accidents happen!. You didn’t know what was going to happen!.” he pulled me up off the ground and turned my head around so I couldn’t see Matt’s lifeless body!. Dann and Chris ran over to his body!. Dann tried to feel for a pulse but there was nothing!. Jay and Dann sat with me trying to comfort me!. Then Dann rang 000 and told them where we were!.

But Chris was sitting next to Matt’s body crying!. He was really upset but I don’t know why because Chris and Matt never talked much!.

When the police came they took all of us back to the school and told the principal!. Then they left and said they would be back for more questioning later!. The principal made us all sit down and he looked very sad, there was no anger on his face though!. “Why, why did you all sneak out!? He said calmly, I quickly replied to him “we all were bored and I suggested that we should go there, and I dared Matt to go on the coaster and…yea” “sigh; just go back to your rooms ok!.”

We did and I cried myself to sleep with Jay beside me the whole time comforting me and singing to me, he is so sweet and romantic!. I was thinking about his funeral in the next few days and I was thinking what I should say…!.

I will sing for you Mattie…


Ok!.!.!.there it is!.!.!.lol!.!.!.it is kinda sad!.!.!.also the whole novel is about a girl who is accidently sent to a boy school by her step mother and she has a lot of "problems" and friends and she gets pregnant at 16 (she doesn't now she is pregnant yet) and i am thinking of doing a funernal for matt in the next chapter!.!.!.anyone have any other suggestions!.!.!. ;)Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
First of all, it makes zero sense for your main character to be in an all-boy boarding school!. That's kind of the point- it's ALL boys!. Even if the step-mother requested that this girl attend the school, they wouldn't allow it!. That's a major plot hole right there, and it's a silly one at that!.

Next, try to fix your dialogue; it sounds totally unrealistic!. If a boy had just watched his classmate die, would he come over to this girl and say "Babe, it's not your fault, accidents happen"!? Of course not! Unless Jay had murdered Mattie, then he wouldn't be acting this cool and collected!.

also, when having dialogue in a story, you must indent!. Here's an example of your story that needs to be adjusted:
“Why, why did you all sneak out!? He said calmly, I quickly replied to him “we all were bored and I suggested that we should go there, and I dared Matt to go on the coaster and…yea” “sigh; just go back to your rooms ok!.”

And here's the adjusted version:
"Why, why did you all sneak out!?" he said calmly!.
I quickly replied "We were all bored, and I suggested that we should go there!. I dared Matt to go on the coaster and!.!.!.yeah!."
The principal sighed, then said "Just go back to your rooms, okay!?"

(I seriously doubt this would be the behavior of Matt's principal, by the way!. Principals are human too, and he needs to show SOME kind of emotion here!. This would be his behavior if they had snuck out and nobody died!.)

also, try to avoid beginning your paragraphs with words like "Later" or "Then!." It's boring, and makes it sound as if you are writing making a grocery list!. Find ways to reword your openings!.

Lastly, try to avoid using too many adjectives; they get too old, too fast!. Learn to use them like salt and pepper instead, and in the meanwhile, focus on verbs!

Instead of this: I ran over a bits and pieces that were lying everywhere looking for Matt!. Then I saw him, it was something that I never wanted to see!. Matt’s body was lying there lifeless and cover in dust and blood!. I fell to the ground crying and yelling “IT’S ALL MY FAULT, WHAT HAVE I DONE” Jay came over to comfort me “babe, it’s not your fault, accidents happen!. You didn’t know what was going to happen!.” he pulled me up off the ground and turned my head around so I couldn’t see Matt’s lifeless body!. Dann and Chris ran over to his body!. Dann tried to feel for a pulse but there was nothing!. Jay and Dann sat with me trying to comfort me!. Then Dann rang 000 and told them where we were!.

This would be better: I lunged over the Ferris wheel's rubble in search of Matt and when I finally spotted him, I gasped!. Matt was coated in dust and shockingly-scarlet blood!. I fell to my knees and began to sob loudly!.
"It's all my fault! What have I DONE!?"
Jay stumbled towards me, his eyes widening in shock at the sight of Matt's lifeless body!. Collapsing next to me, he murmered,
"It's okay, ____!. He can't be dead, he just can't be!.!.!."

And, etc!. You get the idea!.

Here's a website that will help you get rid of verbs like "ran" and help you get rid of the habit of using too many adjectives: http://www!.deannacarlyle!.com/articles/ve!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

PicturesWww@QuestionHome@Com