Does this sound bland and horribly juvenile?

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Question:

I poured a bowl of Count Chocula (not too ironic,) and added the milk, sitting down at the table next to my mother, who had pulled out a copy of Dracula!. Jeesh, was the world trying to drive me insane!? Did my mother know about last night!? I ate a bite of my usually chocolate-filled cereal, disgusted at how bland it tasted!. “Mom, taste a bite of this,” I said!. She loved Count Chocula!. She lifted a bite up to her mouth and ate it, “Yum!.”
“It doesn't taste like cardboard!?” I asked!. “No, tastes fine!. Why!?” she replied!. “Never mind!. Do you want to finish this!?” I asked, but before she could answer I sprinted up to my room and dug into my secret Hershey temple!. I grabbed a handful of candy and jumped into bed, turning on my pink and black laptop!. I logged onto Yahoo Answers and entered a question that tested my saneness & dignity: When humans become vampires, what changes are seen first!? I was sure I would get a bunch of answers saying things like “Vampires aren't real!” and “Sensitivity to garlic, holy water, and sunlight!.” I Googled a few things about vamps, and half an hour later I had six answers!. It was only noon!. Seven and a half hours to go!.
copyrighted, btw!. don't steal!.

from the book i'm attempting to write!.
i'm 13, don't be too harsh but give your opinion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I think everything was great until you sprinted up to your room and mentioned your "secret Hershey temple"!. Then that pink and black laptop, too much imagery that seems put in to make a sentence!. And yahoo and google, you are pointing out too much!. leave some stuff for our imagination to fill in!. example, you did not say, my mother who has red hair, wearing a Dior dress and Lancome make-up, you just said mother so my mind is imagining how she looks and its interesting!. But when you fill in all the blanks (like when you added, Hershey, Yahoo, Google, pink and blk laptop) it loses something!. I really like the beginning and the end of this though, keep writing!. Oh, and try finding a cool old manual typewriter!. It will force you to really think about what you write because its a pain to alter what you typed!. Keep up the good work!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love everything about it except for teh very beginning couple of sentences!. That sounds kind of junior, not trying to be offensive!. But it kept me interested and now I really want to learn more! =D Keep up the good writing!
-LondonCalling?Www@QuestionHome@Com

i liked it im 13 too its really good but are you trying to be on the guidelines of twilight!? im not bein mean just asking !?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Well, I like the idea, and your informal way of writing, it's really got me interested!. But, as others have already pointed out, you do put an awful lot of imagery into the text!. As someone has said, I like to be able to imagine stuff for myself, making the reader actually get involved and think about the characters and setting, etc!. I'm 14, and I'd be pretty happy to write that, so well done!

Hope the "constructive criticism" helped, and didn't dampen your spirits too much! =D xxxWww@QuestionHome@Com