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Question: I wrote a little something, can anyone give input!?
The booming of the bells can't even rouse me up from my stupor!. Here I stood, straight and awake, but my mind wanders off, delving into the unreachable!.

I have longed cursed myself, but I have given up, just mere seconds ago when I saw her once again!. The main doors opened, the bells rang louder, and here came the bride blinding with the sun at her back!.

I steadied my knees (as it is turning to jelly), and tried to swat the butterflies in my belly!. But to this, it will have no end!. As I even once clamped my mouth shut with fear that a couple might escape!.

Families on both sides, divided by a red carpet and all were smiles!. It was as picturesque as they come, and so I realize I am the only one shrouded with dread!. A drop of ink in a sea of pure milk; I quiver at the possibility that my thoughts were to be discovered!.

But alas, as fate has to have it, my thoughts were to be for my own, and my own only!. Even to this day, since everything began, my heart sealed itself shut, secretly hiding what truth lay within!.

I blinked a sweat off my eye and stood firmer on my feet, as the walking miracle quickly approaches, with an accompaniment of organ music that filled the whole place!.

She's coming!. I swallowed and felt my throat loosen up a little!. She's coming!.

I saw her chest heave up filling with air, and expected her to shout or tell me to go-crap-myself-to-heck!. Instead she gave a smile an angel would die for with eyes behind a veil that hid none of her beauty!.

And from those perfect smiling lips, "I love you"!. Though voiceless and none would have heard if any, I felt my heart soar to the sky and bliss taking its place!. The butterflies flew away, and I was able to breathe once again!. Her father gave a tug, and she continued off down the aisle towards her groom!.

I was left with my heart open for anyone with an ear to hear, and with a chance I never had the courage to use!. I choked on my tears, but a smile bloomed on my lips!.

I never asked the question, but somehow I found the answer!.

If only!.!.!.

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I'm not sure if my story was clear, I sure hope so!. Any comment will be appreciated!.

I'm compiling stuff and submit them later on, so knowing how well they'll be received will be much appreciated!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There are a lot of basic grammar errors!. Enough to make me assume this is a very rough or english is your second language!. Either way, it's a very simple fix!. Address the passive voice, punctuation, sentence structure, tense switching, etc - most problems occur in the first half, but they're there in the second as well!.

If this is the completed piece I'd also suggest some typographic changes!. For example, "She's coming !.!.!. coming!." Split that line up into three separate lines!. The short sentences flowing down will cause the reader to pick up tempo and help him share the anxiety of the protagonist!. In all prose, but especially very short fiction, the writer often overlooks this very useful technique!. Think of how a poet might structure this to control the pace, and create a visual drama as well as the written one!. An eye for typography often separates the published from the unpublished!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I don't know if it's just me, but I have absolutely no idea what this story is about!.

All your descriptions and metaphors are just clouding the meaning of your story!.

I don't know if you're the groom or you're in love with someone who's marrying another guy!.


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Whoa, that's good!. A little sketchy in places, but otherwise, very realistic!. What you keep saying makes me think that the character has cold feet!? I'd love to read the rest of it though !.!.!. Or is that it!? Otherwise !.!.!. NO!

This sounds so much like a Preface, and the rest of the 'book' could explain how this all came to be!.Www@QuestionHome@Com