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Question: What do you think of my fantasy story!?
Book of Jikoku
By Fan Huang

Time, time is something that never stops!. Will it always go on forever!? Even with no existence in the universe will time still go on!? How these days man will want a way to know all the questions of the universe and when it happened!. But no matter how much the desire that cannot be accomplished!.!.!. or can it!?

Long long ago, far far from before our time known about this was a secret race of people!. These people were known as Anthidites!. The Anthidites lived peacefully in their temples studying the secrets in time!. They were at war with the evil demons!. Their society had regular villagers!. But others had to be Templers and guard the kingdom from demons using holy magic!.

1But this special Anthidites who was known as Ronan was gifted with mass knowledge!. At such a young age he had learned so much more than the other young Anthidites!.

1 night in young Ronan's dream he saw a vision!. He saw all the secrets of the past and even the future!. When he had awoke from his dream he had found a golden book on the floor next to his bed!. When he had looked upon the book he had found that nothing was written in it!. It seemed that the pages of nothing would never stop!. He knew why the book was there when he had awaked from his dream!. It was destiny that he had to write all the events of time from the birth of the universe to the end!.

Every day from morning until night he would spend his time in the temple writing!. Writing all his visions he would see in his dreams at night!. He would never play with the other Anthidites!. No one would talk to him either, everyone wanted to know what he had wrote in the golden book!. Ronan wouldn't tell anyone either!.

Soon the temple was attacked by the king demon!. The demons had made a plan if they had gathered all the human souls they had killed and fuse them together they could increase the power of the demon king by a million!.

Ronan knew that he couldn’t allow the demons to get a hold of the book!. If the book had be fallen to the wrong hands the world could be in danger!. Many of the Anthidite warriors died and the holy guards casted all their spells but had no effect on the demon king!.

Ronan knew what would happen from his visions and he summoned the power of many and-!.!.!.!.!.!.

"So what happened next grandpa!?" Came a voice that sounded like a child's!. "Yeah grandpa, tell us what happened next!?" came another voice, "I'm sorry kids but this was the end of the story!. No one knows what exactly happened to Ronan!. But what we all know that he saved our ancestors the Anthidites and without him we wouldn’t be here today!."
"Wow grandpa that's really dumb that they never finished the story!." Said the first voice!.
"So what happened to the book!?" Came from the second voice!.
"They say the Golden book was sealed in the temple where the Holy Anthidites practiced their magic!. But after the battle the temple was never found!."
"So gramps, what did they call the book!?" A young boy who entered the room asked!. "Ah, that I know!. It's called!.!.!.!. the Book of Jikoku!."

Chapter 1
After the war of Anthidites few people survived and rebuilt their kingdom!. First it was a small village!. The size started to increase after years!. Soon it became a new kingdom!. A kingdom named Ronan!. They named the kingdom after Ronan himself since the people treated him as a god who saved their ancestors!. Now these days the Anthidites are extinct and none are found these days!. People only know of them from stories pasted down!.

Anthox who was a regular kid who liked to mess around with his friend was meeting someone!. His best friend to be exact!. "Man where the hell could he be!. He said he'd be here by now" he mumbled to himself!.

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Awesome story!
There are some problems!.
Your introduction is progressing too fast that it's hard to know what is going on!. Even though your prologue gives thorough information, I don't think it is necessary to have it!. I would take that important information and describe it during the introduction - where the story is being told!.

You should describe Ronan's dreams a little more to emphasize how important his dreams are!.
Describe the environment in which the story takes place!.
Describe the demons - Why exactly are they evil!?
Most importantly, why is Ronan someone we (the audience) should all be paying attention to!?

There is nothing in your story that would suggest a "follow-up" whereas the story would lead to a conclusion!. It's doesn't have a proper exposition!. It's mainly because you haven't introduced the character(s) and the environment well enough!. So really, I'm not even sure what exactly this story is about!. All I know is that there is a person - Ronan - who is gifted and writes a book about dreams and the temples were attacked by demons!. But that's not to say you intentionally left out some information, which I doubt you did!. So, I know there will be more to the story!.

"Came a voice that sounded like a child's!." - That is being a little too obvious!. Unless you want the audience to guess what the voice sounds like, I'd suggest changing it to something like "said a boy!." It's much more simple!.

There are a lot of grammar and spelling errors although I think you already knew that!.

I'm sure once you make some changes the story would be a lot better!
I'd love to hear the rest of the story!

-Matt P

You may contact me via email if you want!. I love fantasy! :D
mattpoirier2@yahoo!.comWww@QuestionHome@Com

It's confusing!. There are too many grammatical errors and inconsistencies!.

It also sounds like it was written by someone whose first language is not English!.

You don't write things like 'regular kid' in a story like that!. It doesn't follow the style!. Keep everything in the same writing style!.

also, don't use text speak when you write a story!.

Perhaps you could have someone translate it!.

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