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Question: Does my story draw you in a little!.!?
I haven't edited much so please no edit your story comments just does it draw you in a little!. This is the beginning of the story I have to add in details but still answer the question and why so or why not!. This is a little excerpt of it!.
I was lying in my bed in the fetal position I clutched my stomach tightly!. The room was getting stuffier and it was harder to breathe!. I was being slowly tormented!. People were talking in every corner!. A man with brown hair and blue eyes came and sat on my bed…
“Kristal…are you enjoying your stay!?” his dark voice hissed!. “What!? What do you want!?” I mumbled not able to speak clearly!. “All I want for you is to feel…at home” he hissed again!. He wrapped his hand around my neck preparing to strangle me!. “Kristal! Kristal!” he suddenly said shaking me!.
I woke up screaming in the infirmary of Burkwood Academy!. My best friend and roommate Lynne was standing shaking me worry in her eyes!.
“Kristal your awake!” She said she might as well be yelling!. “Yeah, I’m fine!. I guess I just passed out!.” I murmured as I sat up on the bed!. “Yeah, you fainted in gym class and Christian took you to the infirmary when he called me I rushed here as fast as I could!.” She explained!. A few fuzzy memories appeared in my head, I passed out on the bleachers I guess and hit my head hard!. “Where’s Christian now!?” I asked preparing my thank you to him!.
“Right here…” I heard a dark voice behind my where Christian sat his black hood covering his blue eyes and brown hair!. “Hey…Thank you for taking me here!.” I said!. “Yeah, be more careful next time!.” He said nodding his head like some signal to Lynne!. “Um, I better go tell the nurse…” she said walking out of the room!. “Ok, you ready!?” Christian said getting up!. “Ready for what!?” I wondered!. He looked at me for about 45 seconds then started to pick me up in his arms!. “Let go of me!” I shrieked fussing like a 3 year old!. “Stop It! Calm down we’re going to get you out of here it’s not safe understand!” he yelled!. Lynne walked in her finger to her mouth telling us to be quiet!. She opened the window and looked at Christian nodding!. “I’m ready; Give me Kristal we’ll meet you at the house!.” Lynne said in a serious voice!. “Lynne what’s going on!? Tell me now! I don’t want to go what about my parents!” I said!. Lynne sighed!. “Kristal there’s no time to explain what’s going to happen but you need to trust us!.” She said!. “Lynne I don’t want to leave!” I protested!. “Kris, Believe me in about 25 minutes you will!.” She said!. Then Christian handed me to Lynne who put me on her back!. Lynne was very strong for a 17 year old girl I thought to myself!. Lynne stuck one leg out the window!. “Lynne what are you doing!?” I stammered!. “Calm down…Christian we’ll see you downstairs!.” Lynne said!. “Ok, be safe!.” He said running out the room!. She suddenly jumped down the 3 story window!. I saw my life flash before my eyes!. I was shrieking this was it I’m going to die!. Then miraculously I felt a push and Lynne landed on her two feet!. I gasped!. “No time to explain let’s go!.” She said setting me down on my feet she walked towards a black eclipse!. She jumped in the driver’s seat and I got into the front seat!. 3 duffle bags were in the back seat!. We started driving out of the campus!. “What are those for!?” I asked seeing one of them said my name on it and Christians then Lynne’s!. “Nothing just listen up!.!.!.we’re going somewhere with people who can get…aggressive sometimes promise me this…” she said!. “What!?” I responded!. “Always stay with me ore Christian!.” She said looking at me like this was some serious matter!. “Who else will be there…!?” I asked not liking the sound of her voice scared and panicked!. “Just people you don’t want to be near…” she said!. “I promise” I responded not wanting to take any chances with “those people!.”
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is pretty cool! I want to know why they needed to leave, where they're going, and why they're are mean people there!. Totally in to it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very interesting, just a little confusing because you had all the quotes clumped together!. Otherwise, was great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i would try to start it would more of like an action moment!. then add this scene later!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm not crazy about the guy hissing, everytime you put that I think of snakes!. I would put hissed like when you are already talking and said something to annoy someone and then they hissed at you, but if he keeps on hissing regardless then he has a problem called a lisp!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I am a bit confused by the story!. Why does she jump out of the window!? But I'd like to know what happenedto put her in the infirmary!. I've done some editing to help you out, because some mistakes were distracting me from the actual story!.
I was lying in my bed in the fetal position, clutching my stomach tightly!. The room was getting stuffier and it was harder to breathe!. I was being slowly tormented!. People were talking in every corner!. A man with brown hair and blue eyes came and sat on my bed…
“Kristal…are you enjoying your stay!?” his dark voice hissed!.
“What!? What do you want!?” I mumbled, not able to speak clearly!.
“All I want for you is to feel…at home,” he hissed again!. He wrapped his hand around my neck preparing to strangle me!. “Kristal! Kristal!” he suddenly said, shaking me!.
I woke up screaming in the infirmary of Burkwood Academy!. My best friend and roommate Lynne was standing shaking me, worry in her eyes!.
“Kristal, you're awake!” she said!. She might as well be yelling!.
“Yeah, I’m fine!. I guess I just passed out!.” I murmured as I sat up on the bed!.
"Yeah, you fainted in gym class and Christian took you to the infirmary!. When he called me I rushed here as fast as I could,” she explained!. A few fuzzy memories appeared in my head, I passed out on the bleachers I guess and hit my head hard!.
“Where’s Christian now!?” I asked, preparing my thank-you to him!.
“Right here…” I heard a dark voice behind my where Christian sat, his black hood covering his blue eyes and brown hair!.
“Hey…Thank you for taking me here!.” I said!.
“Yeah, be more careful next time,” he said, nodding his head like some signal to Lynne!.
“Um, I better go tell the nurse…” she said, walking out of the room!.
“Ok, you ready!?” Christian said, getting up!.
“Ready for what!?” I wondered!. He looked at me for about 45 seconds, then started to pick me up in his arms!.
“Let go of me!” I shrieked, fussing like a 3 year old!.
“Stop It! Calm down we’re going to get you out of here it’s not safe, understand!” he yelled!.
Lynne walked in, her finger to her mouth, telling us to be quiet!. She opened the window and looked at Christian nodding!.
“I’m ready; Give me Kristal!. We’ll meet you at the house,” Lynne said in a serious voice!.
“Lynne, what’s going on!? Tell me now! I don’t want to go! What about my parents!” I said!. Lynne sighed!.
“Kristal there’s no time to explain what’s going to happen but you need to trust us!.” she said!.
“Lynne I don’t want to leave!” I protested!. “Kris, believe me, in about 25 minutes you will,” she said!.
Christian handed me to Lynne, who put me on her back!. Lynne was very strong for a 17 year old girl, I thought to myself!. Lynne stuck one leg out the window!.
“Lynne, what are you doing!?” I stammered!.
“Calm down…Christian, we’ll see you downstairs,” Lynne said!.
“Ok, be safe,” he said,running out the room!. She suddenly jumped out of the 3 story window!. I saw my life flash before my eyes!. I was shrieking, believing I was going to die!. Then, miraculously, I felt a push and Lynne landed on her two feet!. I gasped!.
“No time to explain! Let’s go,” she said, setting me down on my feet!. She walked towards a black eclipse!. She jumped in the driver’s seat and I got into the front seat!. Three duffle bags were in the back seat!. We started driving out of the campus!.
“What are those for!?” I asked, seeing one of them said my name on it and Christian's then Lynne’s!.
“Nothing!. Just listen up!.!.!.we’re going somewhere with people who can get…aggressive sometimes!. Promise me this…” she said!.
“What!?” I responded!. “Always stay with me ore Christian,” she said, looking at me like this was some serious matter!.
“Who else will be there!?” I asked, not liking the sound of her voice, scared and panicked!.
“Just people you don’t want to be near…” she said!.
“I promise,” I responded,not wanting to take any chances with “those people"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com