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Question: I'm writing a love story!. This is just a little bit of my story!. I hope you like it!?
As me and Noah laid in the sand side by side, I asked him "what do you want in life!?" "You!." he tells me!. "No!. I mean, what do you really need in life!?" I asked!. He looked into my eyes for a minute and said "Your all I need!."

Before I knew it, we were locked in a kiss!. His tongue so warm in my mouth felt so good!. Seconds later, I notice we're making love!. Not caring who see's!. His hands touching me in places i've never been touched before!. And all the places he takes me, are so beautiful!.

I never want to leave this moment!. This beautiful moment with just me and him!.

Okay, I know the spelling isn't the best right know, but who cares!? It's just Y!A!. I just want to show you a little part!. I know i'm 14 and this is a little bit graphic, but I don't care!. It's a love story!. And I don't really want it to be a boring PG book!. I want it to be a beautiful story!.

Hope you liked it!. If you don't thats fine!. But if you do, sweet!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Me=The randome one!!! is right about the mistakes but it is very good!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think that before you have this random moment of two people sleeping together you should develop the characters!. character development is key!. Reading this it doesnt stand out from your avrage love story that most teens write!.!.!.!.
a tip:
write what you know
show dont tell Www@QuestionHome@Com

cheesy
but sweet!. don't give up writing, but try writing more in detail, with all five senses involved!. describe what you feel, hear, smell!. and always draw from your own experiences, or at least try to!. never use clichees!.
have fun! and good luck with your storyWww@QuestionHome@Com

It's too rushed!. And there are grammatical errors!. Keep writing!

LAS Www@QuestionHome@Com

You need a little editing work!. Other than that, it seems good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Lots of mistakes:
*'As me and Noah' should be 'As Noah and I'
*Make sure you start every talking part on a new line!.
*'"Your all I need!."' should be '"You're all I need!."'
*'His tongue so warm in my mouth felt so good' is strange, possibly change it to: 'His tongue was so warm in my mouth, and it felt, so good'
*You keep changing tenses - is it past or pre tense!? Work that out!.
*'And all the places he takes me, are so beautiful!. ' No comma, it should just read: 'And all the places he takes me are so beautiful!.'

You are good with your ideas and stuff, but need to work on editing!.

Good luck! :D!.



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It goes by too fast!. Take it much slower, like write about how they met and why they like each other!.!.!.love shouldn't be so fast!. also, it's Noah and I, not me and Noah!. also quotes go on different lines!.
""what do you want in life!?" i asked!.
"You," he tells me
"No!. I mean, what do you really need in life!?" I asked
He looked into my eyes for a minute and said "You're all I need!.
I hope this helps you!. Don't give up writing!.
and since you're 14, see if you like my story please!. click on link
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index!?!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com