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Question: Is This a Good Death Scene!? !?
I'm writing a story based in Germany in the 1940s (WWII)!. Basically, these three people (2 brothers, Fritz and Erik and a girl Brigitte) are in the Resistance and both are in love with Brigitte, but she is engaged to Erik!. In this scene, Fritz is dying!.
Tell me what you think!. Constructive criticsm welcomed!
“You and Erik are going to be happy when the war’s over!. And it will be over someday!.”
“What!?”
“The baby’s going to have a great father too!.” Now his voice shook slightly!.
“No!. No, Fritz!. Don’t!.” She refused to believe what he was saying!.
“Just promise me you’ll be happy!.”
“F-Fritz! What are you talking about!?” She was crying now!.
“Promise!?” A lone tear ran down his pale face!.
“No!. You have to be okay!.”
“Brigitte!.” I’m not!. Silence!.
“I-I promise…” Brigitte sobbed finally!. Fritz smiled!.
“Don’t leave me, Fritz!. Please!. Don’t do this!.” Brigitte knew it was not his choice to die, but she still begged him to live!. “There’s so much… that could have… if we…!.”
“I’m not leaving you, Brigi!.” He shook his head!.
“Brigi!?” he whispered
“Yes!?” She knew exactly which three words he would say!. Then it would end…
“I love you!.”
She leaned towards him!. Their lips met, his blue, cold, and dying!. They remained frozen, like marble statues, for what seemed like years!. Like an ancient scene on a tapestry, hanging on a cold wall till the end of time!. A sudden chill rippled through her spine!. Fritz’s head fell back to the pillow with a dull thud!.
His green eyes were glassy and dim!.
He was dead!.
“I love you too!.” Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I liked the emotion that you put into your piece!. Plus, the ending was fabulous!. It was so intense as she looked down at him and said that he loved him too after he died, I'd deffinetly want to keep reading this piece! Although, I don't like it that you wrote!.!.!. She knew exactly what three words he would say!. Then it would end!.!.!. I think that you're jumping ahead of yourself!. also, I don't like how your piece looks like an entire page of dialoge!. Instead, try to add some more description every once in a while after they take turns saying something!. For example, when you wrote!.!.!."No, you have to be okay", I would have liked it if you took some time to describe that powerful emotion that she was feeling and a little bit more of what she saw!. Lastly, the sentence you used!.!.!. They remained frozen, like marble statues, for what seemed like years!.!.!., makes me think that Brigitte is getting bored of the kissing because you said that it felt like years!. Instead, I would say something like how their time together wasn't long enough and she regretted having so little time to express her love and passion to him!. I hope that this helps! You did a great job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
that was really good! i was a little confused in the middle, but im sure if i had read the begining of the chapter i wouldnt be!.
it really makes me want to read more!! haha now i want to know whats happening lol
good jobb!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good apart from: Brigitte sobbed finally!.
As she has probably been trying to contain her emotion for a bit, you'd want to make more of her breaking down the control barriers!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
That was amazing! I think you should add more
emotion to Brigitte's character as he is dying and
she is kissing him!.
Tell me when that gets published!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Awesome it was really good!. Thanks for answering my dog question it was extremely helpful!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
That is so deep!. It's really really good!!
I'll definitely read your book!.!.!.
lol
But really, thats good!.!.!. keep at itWww@QuestionHome@Com
T-T that was so good, but it was SO SAAAAAD!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
OMG so sad
It sounds like a book i'd be forced to read in english class but would end up loving it
Do moreWww@QuestionHome@Com
WAAA!!! Its sad!. I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com