Question Home

Position:Home>Books & Authors> Hi Im making a story! Help commeny!?


Question: Hi Im making a story! Help commeny!!?
Well As I said when I grow Up I want to be an author!. The first book I want to write is a scary stories!.Maybe like 10 scary stories in a book!. Comment,rate 1-10!.be harsh!.I'll be writing about 20 stories and picking the best

Horror In The Sky
By: Izabela Baranowska

Amy began packing for her airplane ride!. She was going to Italy all alone to visit her pen pal!. It was her first airplane ride!. As she packed her suitcase and left home she heard someone following her!. Amy didn't turn around, just kept walking and looking for her taxi!.After getting to the airport Amy sat down reading a magazine at the airport!. She stared at the airplane!. Amy's eyes opened wide in horror!. She had just seen something on the airplane, a big black thing!.!.maybe a person!. "I must be seeing things" Amy thought!.

Packing her luggage into the airplane, Amy was excited!. It was a night ride so every person got a free pillow and blanket!. Amy also took free headphones to watch a movie!.Amy sat at her window seat!. The flight would begin in 15 minutes at 9:00 PM and land in Italy at 5 A!.M!. Amy plugged in her headphones and started watching some Twilight Zone episodes for 3 hours straight!. It was alittle chilly so Amy covered herself with a blanket!. She started watching Nick @ Nite when all of a sudden something zoomed past her window!.!.!.something black!.Amy remembered the black creature she had seen at the airport!.Amy just stared at the TV!.

After a few hours Amy became less scared and continued watching TV!. It was about 2 A!.M and everyone on the plane was already asleep!. Amy just watched TV and looked around!. Everything was pure black outside the window!. She didn't understand how the pilot could see!.No one seemed to do anything or talk!. Amy ordered some chips and Coke and just stared into the pitch black window!.

3 A!.M- the plane was becoming bumpy and Amy got nervous!. The person next to Amy didn't seem to be sleeping!. He looked dead!.She just looked at the other passengers and they didn't seem to move the whole plane ride!. Amy watched some horror movies and out of the corner of her eye, saw something blocking the window!. Chills went down her body , remembering the black "person"!. Amy decided to go up to the pilot but security was blocking the way!. Why was there security standing there!? Amy asked the security " Exuse me but can I talk to the pilot!?" His deep voice answered," NO the pilot is not allowed to be seem because he is driving!."

The plane was supposed to land 3 hours ago!. "Where are we going!?" Amy asked the security!. " No where near Earth" was his reply!. Amy shook her head and looked at the security!. She walked back to her seat, her head buzzing with questions!. Where were they going!? Was security joking!? Would she get to Italy!? Amy got terrified of the security's response!. She didn't understand it!. What did he mean about not going near Earth!? Why wasn't anyone moving!? Amy fell asleep soon with her headache!.

As Amy woke up it was 1 P!.M and the airplane was still riding!. Amy panicked right there and then!. She just stood up,yelled, and ran around yelling questions " Where are we going!? Why isn't anyone moving!? WHERE ARE WE!?" Panicking she just ran through the rows looking at the people screaming as no one moved!. No one looked!. NO ONE!. Except for ONE man!.!.!. sitting behind her!.!.!.staring at her!.

Amy had just noticed right there!.!.that no one was alive!.!.!.neither was the pilot!. Just that one man with a glint in his eye staring!.!.!. It was not untill that moment that she was alone on the plane with a killer!. And no one ever heard of the Amy who never got to Italy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It didn't give me chills!. It didn't entertain me!. It ended just as it got interesting!.

But I think it has potential, and I think you have potential, too!. So to critique!.!.!.

Amy thinks something is following her when she leaves her home, but she doesn't look back!. Why not!? And is the thing/person following her the same as the big black thing on the plane and in the sky later on!? If not, how is it related to that thing!? If it's not, then it has no place in the story!.

If it is related, then we know that this whole thing is about Amy!. It's not just bad luck that she ended up on a doomed plane!. This was all about capturing her!. But why!? There's a whole story here - write the story, not just the oooooh effect!.

Since when do passengers pack their luggage into a plane!? They check their bags, and airport personnel load them into the cargo hold!. Or do you mean that she was storing a carry-on bag in the overhead compartment!? Show that to the reader!.

I like that you have her watching Twilight Zone, then horror movies!. It adds a bit of, well, Twilight Zone feeling to the mood!. But you don't really show her being scared!. Maybe have her imagination go wild!. Maybe have her think - with fear - about something related to the person who followed her as she left home!.

Amy doesn't understand how the pilot can see through the black night!. Pilots fly mostly blind!. They rely on radio signals to direct them!. I don't know that this is necessary to your story, although you might want to mention the darkness outside the plane!.

Amy orders food, so she must have gotten it from a flight attendant!. So she should be asking the flight attendant questions before just deciding to talk to the pilot!. People don't just decide to talk to the pilot!. However, if the flight attendants are nowhere to be seen or sleeping like they're dead, that would be okay!.

You messed up your time order!. The plane isn't due to land in Italy until 5:00 a!.m!., but at 3:00 a!.m!., she's talking with the security guard, saying they're three hours overdue to land!. Doesn't make sense!.

It's odd how she just accepts the guard's answer that they're going "nowhere near Earth" and goes back to her seat!. Maybe have her squeak out, "What do you mean!? We're going to Italy!" or something and have him just stare down at her without answering, maybe pointing back towards her seat, and she scoots back there, afraid!.

When she finally panics, only one man is awake in the plane!. You're saying he's a killer, but why!? Did he kill everyone else in the plane!? How!? What does he have to do with the black thing!? Why was Amy the last one left alive!? Do you want to have him kill her, or just fly her somewhere far from Earth!? It's like you had two paths for this story didn't pick one!.

About the last line: No one ever heard of Amy!? What about her parents!? What about the pen pal she's going to visit!? Maybe you should change that to, "And no one ever knew what became of Amy, who never got to Italy!."

But really, I wouldn't end it there!. That's where the story begins!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I agree with Mavis!. It seems like there are so many plot holes!.

Do you really know what you are writing!?

Did she walk to the airport!?
What is a security guard doing on the plane!?
Pilots don't 'drive' planes!.
Airplanes don't 'ride'!.
'Until' has only one 'L'!.

Don't keep repeating her name!.

So many things does not make sense and they need to be addressed!.


The writing style is juvenile, so I'm guessing you are about 9 or 10 years old!.

You have posted this story so many times, it borders on spamming!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

You should not be sharing your stories online like this!. You would have no control on who would read it and maybe have the audacity to plagerize and steal to publish your stories and get the credict for it!.

Ask your english teacher or an adult friend that's english is his/her dominant language instead of asking for the help of people on the internet you do not know and therefore can not trust with your stories!.

I don't mean to crash on your parade but I do truly believe that your stories could be safer elsewhere and not on the internet before their published work!.


As far as your story goes, it is pretty good but I would have to give it a 3!. Hey, you wanted me to be harsh! You have a lot of mistakes and your sentences are very choppy and unorganized!. You also have a ton of misspellings!.

And so you know, pilots don't drive!. You drive a car!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I loved it! You have a future as an author!. Not to be mean, but in the fourth paragraph, (last sentence when the pilot started talking!.), you wrote seem instead of seen!. And you spelled excuse wrong!. But that's all i saw!. Keep on writing! Wow!. That was so great!
1-10!?
[10!!!!!]Www@QuestionHome@Com

Not bad, but it does need revisions!. I would rate it about a 6 or 6 1/2!. Here is how I would edit the first paragraph:

Amy began packing for her airplane ride!. She was going to Italy all alone to visit her pen pal!. It was her first airplane ride, and she was nervous!. As she packed her suitcase and left home she heard someone following her!. Her hair stood up, but Amy didn't turn around, just kept walking and looking for her taxi!. She climbed in and sat on the cold seat and kept looking out of the window until they got there!. She sat down reading a magazine at the airport when they got there!. She stared at the airplane!. Amy's eyes opened wide in horror!. She had just seen something on the airplane, a big black thing!.!.maybe a person!.

"I must be seeing things" Amy thought!.


That is just an idea, you know!. I think you are a good writer, but you just need an experienced hand to make you even better!. Never give up!Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow!.
thats so creeepaaayyy!. but nice writing!
i don't believe in giving numbers but it would definitely be high up there! just a mistake i found in the last paragraph, "!.!.!.it was not untill that moment!.!.!." until only has one "l" just to let you know!

but great job, you have a future as an author! =]

edit: another suggestion, if its not to permanent the name amy is a little unoriginal!. maybe change it to something a little more interesting to read!. i like the names-

Novalee

Holly

Amberly

Hannah

Clarisse (Claire)

Anya

=]
yet another suggestionWww@QuestionHome@Com

Okay, after reading, I have to say that I liked it!. It sounds like an old Twilight Zone episode, and I absolutely love that show!.
A few spelling things that will easily be fixed if you'll just reread it, I'm sure!. Another thing, you say Amy a heck of a lot, when "she" would work just as well!. We have pronouns for a reason!. I suggest to you that you just read this aloud to yourself and see where you slip up, and where things sound strange, and you'll catch it all!.
I liked this story a lot, and wish you luck in your future!Www@QuestionHome@Com