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Question: Your thoughts on what I have written!?
Lysha poked the sizzling bacon with a fork and glanced at Miku!. Any other person would have thought him to be looking at her eyes but she knew him better than that!.
She sighed!. "You're thirsty, aren't you!?"
He gave a slight nod, looking at the kitchen floor now!.
Lysha took the bacon off of the stove and walked over to him!. She flipped her long blonde hair over one shoulder and held it with her hand!.
"Lysha, I can't!" Miku protested!. "I've taken too much from you as it is!"
"Just don't use venom and I'll be fine," she replied, leaning closer to his mouth!.
Miku hesitated for a minute before his thirst took over!. He pressed his lips to her bare neck, feeling the blood pulsing through her veins!. Ever so slightly his lips parted, revealing razor shard teeth!. Miku's hand slid up to hold her shoulders down!.
"Don't forget to stop me," he instructed!.
Lysha gasped lightly as she felt his teeth puncture her skin!. No matter how many times he did this, it would always take her by surprize!.
Her breathing remained normal for a few moments then began to quicken!. Soon her head was spinning, making everything out of focus!.
"Miku, enough," she told him!. She waited for his hands to release her!. Now Lysha wasn't feeling well!. "Miku, stop! You're hurting me!" she screamed!. Miku's hands were suddenly off of her and his head was up!.
Lysha stood and swayed!. She could do nothing as she felt her body and eyelips drift towards the floor!.
"Lysha, NO!" Miku shouted!. He was on the ground, holding her unconsious body in his arms!. "I should have never bit you!"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The one thing I noticed that people are going to attribute to Twilight (whether it is in other stories or not) is when she tells him not to use venom!. The vampire venom is such big deal in the Twilight saga; I have never read another book with actual mention of venom!. If I were you, I would work on that little part to try and differentiate your story from Meyer's!.
also, I am sure you meant razor sharp, not razor shard!. (Incidentally, that is another Twilight relation!. A lot of attention is given in those books to the fact that the vampires do not have fangs, but "razor sharp teeth"!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is very interesting and I don't see any thing that sounds like Twilight!. Considering you have a vampire who is actively concerned about the woman he bit, Edward doesn't really and then magically he is stalking Bella!.
I think you have a good start on your hands or is this somewhere in the middle of the story!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your a good writer, sounds a little like twilight though!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
You pulled me right in! I wanted to keep reading!. However, I've never heard of Twilight so can't answer that one!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
that you're trippin on acidWww@QuestionHome@Com
Lucky for you I haven't read Twilight!. *g* I have however read my share of Vampire tales so tell me as the reader how is yours going to be different!? Can your Vamp walk during the daylight hours!? Is your Vamp a successful businessman!? Is he the only one of his kind left!? Was he born a Vampire as opposed to created and those are the only ones left and if he doesn't find a mate there can be no more!? Does your Vamp have other type of abilities, like maybe he part ghostly!. Maybe he's part Lupine!. Maybe he's dying of a Vampire toxin created to kill all Vamps and she's keeping him alive!. I don't really know where you can go with this but if Vamps weren't interesting there wouldn't be people still writing about them!.
I liked that your Vamp is sitting in a normal kitchen just hanging out with a normal girl!. It's such a short passage that there isn't much to critique about the writing itself but it is an interesting start as far as I'm concerned!.
J!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com