Question: Do you like this start!?
There was a couple of silent seconds where they both stared at each other!. Heidi doing most of the staring, Ali not sure where to look, her eyes all over the small cell in nerves!. Heidi’s eyebrows creased together as she propped herself up on one elbow again!. Her mouth twisted and she looked up at Ali, as if struggling for words!.
“I’m sorry!.” Ali said, surprising herself with the words as they came out of her mouth!. “For what you are, I mean!.!.!.” she stumbled!. Heidi’s eyebrows creased even closer together and she narrowed her eyes!.
“What do you mean!?” her voice slurring as if drunk!. Her voice was slightly different, more rich, different to the humanly cackle!. Her eyes were unfocused as she stared as if in awe at Ali!. Ali stumbled for words, chewing the nail on her thumb absentmindedly!.
She inhaled sharply before speaking!. “Ah!. You’re well, you’ve!.!.!.there’s!.!.!. basically!.!.!.”
Heidi rolled her unfocused eyes and lay back onto the cold concrete!.
“Werewolf!.” She sighed the word in a way that sounded as if she didn’t know whether to love or hate it!. Ali stood wringing her hands!. Heidi’s eyes seemed more focused now and she glared up at Ali!.
“Where the hell is Warren!?”
Ali was struck by the first proper sentence coming out of her mouth!. Her voice was imposing, powerful sounding!. Ali flinched away slightly!. Heidi was shifting her weight so she could sit upright!.
“I don’t know!.” Ali said, still keeping her distance from Heidi!. Heidi glared up at Ali again!.
“Crap!.” Heidi growled, shifting into a crouch to stand up!. Ali tensed up entirely, her nails moved in her fingers, lengthening, sharpening!. She kept her mouth shut, afraid of what her teeth might look like!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The story is good so far!. With what you've presented it's hard to know how to critique it!. The thing is I don't know enough to give an accurate critique!. I don't know the relationship between Ali and Heidi!. You might want to consider changing the spelling of Ali's name because I immediately thought 'boy' as in Muhammad Ali!. Then I was curious as to what state Heidi is in!. Is she a full werewolf right now or is she at some half state!? I can't tell because you describe Heidi's action in terms of human activities such as 'propping herself up on one elbow', 'sitting upright' (like a canine does!?), and 'lay back onto the cold concrete' (stomach down or on her back which in terms of a 'dog' is a friendship type of gesture almost one of submission)!. Then she shifts into a crouch to stand, how much standing!? Is she an upright walking and obviously talking werewolf like in the movies!? I hadn't really thought that only because in most of the werewolf fiction now and days they truly take on a lupine physicality (If that's such a word)!. I mean to say I sort of like my werewolves on all fours and their communications with humans limited to their human form or some sort of mental communications!. And then Ali tenses her nails moved in her fingers, lengthening etc!. Has Ali been changed!? At least that's the way the final sentence reads!. Ali tensed as Heidi's fingers lengthened etc!.!.!. Or is it correct as is and if so it needs some definate clarification because as I'm looking I'm wondering if Ali is struck by the first proper sentence coming from 'her' mouth and not Heidi's!?
Let's just say you may very well be correct but if a reader can become confused (like me) consider clarifying just a little bit!. I don't claim to be the end all in critique but as a writer I want my work to be as easy to understand as possible!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
If you wrote this, I applaud you and want you to know that there's a huge possibility of you being able to get this published if you try to!. If not, then yes, to answer your question this sounds very interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's great! you've used a lot of descriptive grammar in your clip!. The clip was slightly confusing, but it's probably just because I haven't read the whole story before chapter 18, otherwise, it's imaginative and I think you should maybe consider finishing your story, definitely, if it is not yet finished - it is a very interesting and different story that you should decide to publish!.
NishWww@QuestionHome@Com