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Question: Is this a good First Chapter ( add on to Twilight )!?
I was REALLY BORED and made this little, addition to Twilight!.
Same characters, just my version!. Is it any good!?

The last Chapter


I thought I would never see Edward again, his parents didn’t approve of me anymore!. They thought it was too dangerous for Edward to be alone with a human!. I hadn’t moved on though!. Thoughts of him ran through my head constantly!. He hadn’t dropped out of school, but his brothers and sisters wouldn’t approve of us even talking to each other at school!. There was no way we could be together!.

I was in my bed laying on my back staring at the ceiling!. I was sweating just thinking about him!. I decided to go take a Bubble Bath to relax and cool down!. While I filled the tub up with water, I gently combed through my hair, just like Edward used to do!. Once the tub was full, with water, I slipped into the bath!. The water was warm!. My body was completely hidden by the Bubbles!. Suddenly, I felt a cold breeze on my face!. I yelled for Charlie to put the heat on, but then realized he wasn’t home!. I was alone in a cold house, with nothing to do!. Or so I thought!.

I felt the breeze again, but more powerful this time!. I looked to see if I had accidentally left the Air Conditioning on!. Nope, it was still shut off!. What was it then!? Then I looked up at the Bathroom mirror!. Something was scribbled on it, a heart with the names Bella and Edward!. I hadn’t put that there!. Who did!? Then I heard the humming of the song Edward had written for me!. I started crying because I couldn’t take it any longer!.

Edward was never coming back and I had to face it!. I loved him more than anything but we couldn’t be together!. Then, I smelled the most delightful thing I’ve ever smelled before!. That’s when I knew he was here!. “Edward!?” I called out “are you here!?” I felt his Icy cold fingers up against my cheek!. Then he whispered in my ear!. “It took you long enough”!.

I was so happy just to hear his silky smooth voice!. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but he disappeared as quickly as he came!. I got up from the bath water and got dressed!. I quickly went downstairs to see if Charlie had gotten home yet!. No sign of the Cruiser!. There was a silver Volvo parked in the driveway though!. I knew I wasn’t imagining it!.

I decided to wait in my room until he appeared!. My curtains started to blow around my room, almost hitting me in the face!. I went to go close the window and stop the curtains from flailing around the room but it wasn’t open!. Something was going on and I wanted to know about it!.

The Phone rang, it was Edward’s number!. I answered the phone with a simple “Hello!?”
“Listen Bella, I know what my parents said, but I can’t stand not being near you!. Please, come out to my car in the front, let me talk to you!.”

I didn’t even get a chance to answer!. He just hung up the phone!. I went outside and he was there, like he said, in the Volvo!. I was overly excited just to see him!. Was that bad!? I got in the car and Edward told me to put my seat belt on!. I obeyed!. He said we were going to the woods by his house to talk about our situation!. His eyes were Charcoal Black, so I knew he was thirsty!.

“Edward, when was the last time you hunted” I asked quietly!.
“I don’t know when was the last time you ate!? It’s not like I keep track Bella!” He growled!.
This was not like him at all! I was starting to get scared!. When we stopped he got out of the car and walked over to a large rock!. He told me to sit!. He was standing right in the moonlight!. My parents said I can’t go to our school any longer!. I immediately stood up!. “Why!? Is it because of me!?” I asked very angrily!.

“No, but I can’t tell you why!.” Edward said sheepishly
“Why not!?” I asked!. “Because, you’ll get scared!.”
I was really getting mad now!. “No I won’t just tell me!”
“Because my Brothers and Sisters are out of control!” He screamed!.
“What do you mean!?”
“I mean, They got so thirsty one night that they actually…!.!.” His voice trailed off!.
“oh I see!. But you didn’t right!?” I asked hopefully!. “ No I didn’t but my parents won’t let me hunt until they get better, and I’m just so thirsty!” he yelled!.
I hugged him, he touched my hair!. I could hear him smelling me!. I was smelling him too!. “ I missed you Bella!. I won’t ever lose you again, and I don’t care what my parents say!.” “ I love you too much!.”
A tear rolled down my cheek!. I never wanted this moment to end!.



SOOOOOOOOO

Did u like it!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
OMFG i lOvE it its great ya know you should really try writing a book! im reading the twilight series and it is awesome so far :]Www@QuestionHome@Com

sokay i guess!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

lameWww@QuestionHome@Com

that's okay,
everything's briefly described!.
i know not everyones a Stephanie Meyer who can write 500+ page novels, but it's pretty good for a rookie thing!.
keep writting :]Www@QuestionHome@Com

you should add more description to this, like describe everything more!. like the way his eyes burned into hers thought there was a gleam of hunger and desire, < you know something like that!.!.!.
more descriptive!.
anyway, i thought it was alright!.
it could get better, so keep trying!
but one thing, why would edward, the one who didn't do anything, not be aloud to hunt!? when it was his bro's and sis's that went out of control not him!. so there would have to be a better reason for why he isn't aloud to hunt!. and besides a hungry vamp is dangerous, vegiterian or not!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I am unfamiliar with "Twilight," but my prime suggestions would be for you to work on your punctuation and tags!. Avoid inserting adverbs in your tags--any word ending with -ly!. Such usage drags down the action!.

Secondly, you are capitalizing words not meant for capitalization, such as phone, brothers and sisters, icy (cold fingers), and more!.

Obtain a quality reference book having the rules of punctuation and capitalization, which seems to be your weakest areas!.

Good luck with your writing!. Don't stop simply because my critique might appear harsh!. To be a writer you must develop a thick skin against criticism!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

my macaroni is drowning in CHEEEEEESE!!!

seriously, i was gagging all the way through that!.

but then, i found twilight gag-worthy too!. this is about the same cheese factor!.

read a few well-written books (twilight does not fall into that category) and then try writing!. because you write what you read, you know!.

just my honest opinion!. YOU asked for it, after all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com