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Question: Can i have some feedback please!?
iv started writing a story!.!.!.!.just looking to get some feedback on a little extract from it!.!.!.!.
and im open to any ideas!.!.!.!.
Thursday, 21 June!. It had been a long three weeks, with two unfortunate yet required deaths!. But to be fair, there really is no chance of turning back now!.!.!.!.
Who are we!?!? We are in fact just a group of spotty teenage computer geeks aged from 16-19 years old!.
Growing up in today’s world of computers, the possibilities are endless for anyone with a PC and an internet connection! To look at us, we are just your stereotypical gamer/geeks!. Which is true!.!.!.well it was true! That’s how it all started, my name is Ash A!.K!.A ‘FIREWALL’, and I’m what you would classify as the ring leader!. I run a criminal organisation called “BDTL337”, what does that mean!? Oh sorry, I’ll take it you’re a rookie! Okay, first of all!.!.!.!.
”BDT” that basically stands for; ‘Back Door Trojan’!.!.!. And “L337”, !.!.!.!.well listen carefully ‘cause I’m only explaining this once, ok; ‘L337 = LEET (which) = ELITE’!.
i know its not much but if you would like more to get a better idea!.!.!.then comment and let me know!. thanks
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You've given the reader too much information too early on!. also it sounds a bit too personal talking to the reader like that!. Try to avoid writing stuff like 'Oh, sorry I'll take it you're a rookie!' It sounds too personal!. Plus it sounds like you've just shot yourself in the foot!. We're spotty teenage computer geeks!? What kid would want to or actually be able to relate to that!? They'd just think 'eew that's so uncool' and put the book down and not buy it!.
The plot sounds kinda mediocre, done before, and something a publisher will read the synopsis of, sigh and then chuck in the rubbish bin!. Sorry but you did ask for feedback!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Like someone has said take on board the comments but if you ask a lot of people you are going to get good and bad comments!. Some people are going to love your style some aren't!. Amend if necessary but stay true to your style and go for it!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow i think if you finished it i would read it!.it sounds really good so farWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think it sounds promising!. Pretty good start!Www@QuestionHome@Com
sure
just hold your guitar to this ampWww@QuestionHome@Com
This does sound interesting!. I have to say the way it's written puts me off a little, though!. It sounds too much like you're just stating facts in a pretty forced way - e!.g!. 'aged from 16-19 years old' and 'we are just your stereotypical gamer/geeks'!. It's also too colloquial for my liking!. It doesn't sound like reading a story, more like an email or something!. There's nothing at all wrong with being colloquial, but you can take it too far - e!.g!. 'What does that mean!? Oh sorry, I'll take it you're a rookie!' I also think the main problem is punctuation!. I know I'm not judging as an editor or anything, but if you ever want to write this as a publishable work then you would seriously have to consider taking classes in punctuating/grammar!.
Having said this I do think it sounds interesting!. It brings up questions and mystery from the start and it sounds quite unique so do keep going with it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com