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Question: Please read!.!.12-year-old cousin's writing!?
Chapter 1

“Alexandra!?” I stopped doodling and looked up to see Ms!. Fhagg waiting for me to answer her question!.
“Stand up, please!.” She motioned to me with her left hand!. I immediately closed my notebook and stood up from my seat!. I could feel dozens of eyes boring into me!. This is embarrassing!.
“Pardon, Miss!? Could you please repeat the question!?” I tried to make my voice sound like I didn’t really hear her well instead of doodling in my notebook, not listening to her discussion!.
“My question was, “What is another term for the circulatory system!?””
Thank God I at least scanned my book last night!. I could remember the lines perfectly!. Probably because after I read that one line, I closed my Bio book and immediately went to the living room and watched One Tree Hill!.
“I-it’s cardiovascular system, ma’m!.” I didn’t realize that my hands were sweating!.
She looked taken aback that I knew the answer, but nevertheless she said, “Hm, good!. Next time pay attention so I don’t have to repeat myself!. Sit down and listen!. Is that clear!?”
“Yes’m!. I mumbled and sat down, opening my notebook again and continued sketching Donald Duck!. No way in hell will I listen to her boring discussion about the heart!.
Ms!. Fhagg is my Bio teacher for my junior year!. She has medium-length curly brown hair, wears loads of make-up and jewelry, and has tortoiseshell glasses!. She also scowls a lot, and I believe that one day it will be a permanent fixture on her face!. I can tell she really hates me!. She does everything to make sure I fail her class, but what she doesn’t know is I have a power in cramming!. My best friend, Skye Sanders, and I call her The Fag!. Lots of my classmates are scared of her because of the subject she teaches, but it seems like I’m the only exception!. I’ve had lots of teachers hate me in the past, so I already have experience with terror teachers!.
The bell rings and I quickly stuff my things in my bag!. I head out the door to find Skye waiting for me by the lockers!. She’s always been my best friend since 1st grade!. My mom was late in picking me up after school and I was crying like mad!. Skye kept me company while she was waiting for hers!. She was the kind of girl who never worries about little things such as that!. Yeah, I was a stupid 1st grader!. But it resulted to a beautiful friendship!.
Skye has long brown hair with soft curls, a petite face and now perfect teeth after her braces were taken off in 5th grade!. She took ballet and etiquette lessons last summer, so she’s both graceful and proper!. She’s also addicted to jewelry, and she wears a different ring every week!. Considering her mom’s in the jewelry business, that’s not really surprising to me!.
“Hi, Lex! You’ll never guess what happened in Algebra class! Mrs!. Barringer’s dentures fell off! It was the funniest thing! You should’ve seen it!”
“Darn!. I was in The Fag’s class doodling Donald Duck!” I put my Biology book in my locker and put in my bag my History book, which is my next class after recess!. We went outside the courtyard and sat down on our usual spot!. I got out a Gatorade and a Snickers bar!. Skye took out of her bag a battered copy of Undead and Unemployed and a bottle of water!.
“You’re reading that again!?” Skye is such a bookworm!. I’m surprised she’s still not wearing glasses after all the books she’s read!.
“W-ell!.!.!.it’s just so addicting!” She starts opening her bottle and takes a sip!.
“How many times have you read it anyway!?” I took a bite out of the Snickers!.
“Hmmm!.!.!.5, I think!.”
“Bookworm!.”
“Bookworm Skye!.”
And we laughed together!.

Opinions and advice highly appreciated! She wrote other stories but scrapped them because she said "It was going nowhere and it was just for fun!."Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This doesn't sound like a 12-year-old's writing!. Generally speaking, the quality is excellent!. I question the teacher's name (as a cheap shot), saw two typos/usage errors, would avoid using brand names or actual books titles (these both require written, legal permissions to use - and usually cost money)!. Do braces come OFF in 5th grade!? I don't think I would capitalize class names, but I would check with someone else on that (specific class names, but not general subjects: U!. S!. History, but social studies or history)!. That's about it!. The practice shows!.

Paragraph 2 - This WAS embarrassing!.
But it resulted IN a beautiful friendship!.
!.!.!.and put my History book in my bag!. (change order)Www@QuestionHome@Com

that was great im surprised i even read it but anyways that was good

i bet it was u who wrote it and ur just sayin it is ur 12 year old cuz

but anyways nice job Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow, she has a talent!. She writes better than Stephenie Meyer!. =]Www@QuestionHome@Com

That was brilliant, now i want to know the rest of the story!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.xWww@QuestionHome@Com

It is pretty good writing for a twelve year old!.

There are some problems, but I think she will be able to figure those out as she gets better!.

She needs to be careful about mixing her tenses!. Past and present tenses should not be written together!.

A few wording problems here and there and the poster above has pointed them out!. Have her read it out aloud!. That usually helps pick out the flaws!.

Young people have a tendency to describe what people look like!. She should refrain from doing that and focus more on developing character traits!.

All in all, though, it looks like she has a handle on things!. Encourage her to keep writing!.

Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it's a very good start!. I would not even guess that it is written by a 12 year old!. Need to watch the tense change (past tense, then present tense, then back to past!.!.!.) It really is good work and it is good to write for fun!. Tell her to keep up the good work!. She has talent! Www@QuestionHome@Com

Hi, LAS!.

Encourage your cousin to keep writing!.
also, help him with his tenses and grammar!.
I know your good at it!.

=D

Can you help me with mine!?
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com