Position:Home>Books & Authors> Opinions needed! What do you think of my short story?

i really liked it =)
so i just copied the whole thing & edited it!. that's how i like to do these things!.

It's cold!. I can't feel my feet!. I am lost in the winter chill!. But I welcome the cold; for it is warmer than anything I have ever felt before!. I welcome the numbness, because it’s all I’ve ever wanted!. I welcome this all, because I just want to lose myself in this!.
Despite the numb feeling in my body, my heart still hurts!. Each heartbeat seems to take a little more out of me!. Each breath seems impossible!. Each passing second of each passing minute seems so impossibly slow, that I wonder if maybe, time has stopped all together!.
But it has not!. Time continues to move on, even though I wish it would stop!. Stop, and never start again!. Stop the misery that has taken me under, leaving only a shell, no, a ghost, only the image of myself!. My soul is lost and gone!. Never to return again!.
Snow begins to fall on me!. I look up at the gray sky!. I watch the innocent snow flakes slowly fall, landing on my bare arms and legs!. The sensations run through my body, but I do not acknowledge them!. I continue to watch the snow gather on my body!. I wonder how long it would take for me to be buried completely!.
Faster it comes, faster and faster!. Soon, the world is lost in a whirlwind of white!. I cannot see the green evergreen trees of the forest!. I cannot see my house, sitting ever so innocently next to the others!. I can no longer see the children, playing in the snow, enjoying the day off!. I only see white and gray!.
I look down at my body!. The black of my clothing is barely visible beneath the snow!. Black and white!. Life used to be just like that, things separated by the two colors!. But as I looked down at my arms, pale white with black marks blooming along it, I knew there where shades of gray, red, purple, blue in the world!. There were so many colors!. It was overwhelming!.
Maybe I should leave it all behind!. Maybe life would be easier that way!. If I just left, went to that place that was all black!. Would I still feel the pain in my heart!? Even after I was lost to the skies, would the pain of my life follow me!? Or would it stay here, in the snow, with my body!?
The answers to these questions did not come to me!. I could figure the answers out with just a flick of a knife, a pull of a gun, swallowing a few pills!. It was worth a try!. I had nothing to lose, because everything that had ever been mine was gone!.
Rising slowly, I got to my feet!. The snow that had piled up fell slowly to the ground!. , I watched it cover the patch I had been laying in before I turned to leave!. Where to, I did not know!.
My eyes focused on the green and white before me!. I didn't pay attention to anything but the darkness that the trees offered me as I went further and further into their depths!. They seemed endless, the tall evergreens, but I knew there was an end somewhere!. All good things had to end!.
Like the love I received from Ryan and my mother!. Like the soft kisses on my forehead when I went to bed!. Like the smell of a cake in the oven!. Like roses on a spring day!. The bad things never seemed to end, though!. I could never find an end to the horrible beatings from the two people I loved the most!. There was no end to this pain in my chest!.
It hadn't surprised me when my mom didn't notice the extra marks on my arms!. She could never keep track of how hard and how long she beat me up!. Or when, for that matter!. Ryan was a different matter!. He noticed right away, before he had started with his own!. He didn't care though, when I finally told him the truth!. He'd just shrugged it off, because I was worthless!.
But was I!? Was I really worthless!? I remember my father, sitting on my bed at night, and telling me how much he loved me!. How I was the most precious thing in the world to him!. Wasn't that proof enough that someone, somewhere, wanted me!?
My father had left me though!. So did that mean I stopped being precious!?
He had just walked out on my mother and me one day!. The only thing I ever remembered was hearing him stand outside screaming "I love her more than you'll ever know!" He had cheated on my mom, that's what she told me!. But my dad said he was sick of my mother, not the other way around!.
When he said he loved her, did he mean he loved me!? Had my own mother lied to me, to keep me on her side, to make me love her and not him!? Was my entire childhood, from that day on, a lie!?
My dad was the only one I wanted anymore!. I would find myself waking up at night, calling his name!. But he wasn't there!. He had left me!. Even right after he'd gone, I’d wanted him!. I'd had my mom though, but even before she started abusing me, she had never lived up to my dad!.
Stumbling through the trees, I didn't look back!. I had wanted to do this for so long, had wanted to just walk away, but I had thought it was too hard!. I had thought that I would never have the strength to leave them!.
I was wrong!.
Finally reaching the edge of the forest, I looked up to find myself standing on the side of a street!. I had never seen this street before!. But I did see a gray truck!. It looked familiar!. There was a tall man leaning against the side of the car, on his phone!. I watched him with wide eyes!. Had I seen this man before!?
As I crossed the street, I heard him say "yes, I know we've already been over this for the past eight years, but I’m not giving up!. You can't tell me there is no way for me to see her!." When I reached the car, he looked up at me!. He went still at the sight of me!.
We studied each other for a moment!. I knew this man!. Where did I know him!? Why couldn't I recall anything!?
The man finally got a hold of himself!. "Are you okay, miss!?" He asked, and then spoke into the phone!. "No, not you!. Look, I’ll call you later!. No, nothing is wrong!. I have to go now!. Bye!." He hung up the phone and looked at me!. "I'm a cop, honey, you can tell me what's wrong!."
A cop!. My dad had been a cop!. No!.!.!. It couldn't be!.
"Why don't you tell me your name, sweetie!? We can start from there!." He seemed preoccupied too, as he stared into my face!.
I finally stuttered out my name, "Je-Jessica!. Jessica Swift, sir!." Sir!? That sounded wrong!. I wanted to say something else!. I was supposed to say something else, wasn't I!?
His face was in shock!. "Jessica!?" he said, in a voice so soft and tender that no matter how long it had been since I’d last heard it, I would know it anywhere!.
I looked up into the eyes of the only one who ever loved me, even was I thought I was loveless!. I threw my arms around him and screamed!.
"Dad!"Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I really liked it, it had a lot of emotion =] very nice!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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7Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I loved your story so much!.It reminds me of my life in a similar way!.Is this really an honestly true story!?Your story mkes me full of anger and rage at MY mother!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Loveless:
It's cold!. I can't feel my feet!. I am lost in the winter chill!. But I welcome the cold; for it is warmer than anything I have ever felt before!. I welcome the numbness, because it’s all I’ve ever wanted!. I welcome this all!. I just want to l o s e myself in this!.
Despite the numb feeling in my body, my heart still hurts!. Each heartbeat seems to take a little more out of me!. Each breath seems impossible!. Each passing second of each passing minute seems so impossibly slow, that I wonder if maybe, time has stopped all together!.
I t has not!. Time continues to move on, even though I wish it would stop!. T o Stop and never start again!. Stop the misery that has taken me under, leaving only a shell, no ghost, only the image of myself!. My soul is lost, and gone!. Never to return again!.
Snow begins to fall on me!. I look up at the gray sky!. I watch the p u r e w h i t e snow flakes slowly fall, landing on my bare arms and legs!. The sensations run through my body, but I do not acknowledge them!. I continue to watch the snow gather on my body!. I wonder how long, h o w l o n g it would take for me to be c o m pl etely covered up by t h e snow!.
Faster it comes, faster and faster!. Soon, the world is lost in a whirlwind of snow!. I cannot see the green and white evergreen trees of the forest!. I cannot see my house, s e t ting next to all the others!. I can no longer see the children, playing in the snow, enjoying the day off!. I c a n only see white and gray!.
I look down at my body!. The black of my clothes are just barely visible beneath the snow!. Black and white!. Life used to be just like that, things separated by the two colors!. N o w as I looked down at my arms, pale white with black marks blooming, I knew there where shades of gray, red, purple, blue in the world!. There were so many colors!. y e t It was too overwhelming for me!.
Maybe I should leave it all behind!. Maybe life would be easier that way!. If I just left, went to that place that was all black!. Would I still feel the pain in my heart!? Even after I was lost to the skies, would the pain of my life follow me!? W o u l d it stay here, in the snow, with my body!?
The answers to these questions did not come to me!. I could figure the answers out with just a flick of a knife, a pull of a gun, swallowing a few pills!. It was worth a try!. I had nothing to lose, because everything that had ever been mine was gone!.
Rising slowly, I got to my feet!. The snow that had piled up fell slowly to the ground!. I watched it cover the patch I had been laying in, before I turned; To where, I did not know!.
My eyes focused on the green and white before me!. I didn't pay attention to anything else, but the darkness that the trees offered me as I went further and further into their depths!. It seemed endless, the tall evergreens, but I knew that there was an end somewhere!. All good things had ends!.
Like the love I received from Ryan and my mother!. Like the soft kisses on my forehead when I went to bed!. Like the smell of a cake in the oven!. Like roses on a spring day!. The bad things never seemed to end though!. I could never find an end to the horrible beatings from the two people I loved the most!. There was no end to this pain in my chest!.
It hadn't surprised me when my mom didn't notice the extra marks on my arms!. She could never keep track of how hard and how long she beat me o r when for that matter!. Ryan was a different c a s e!. He noticed right away, before he had started with his own!. He didn't care though, when I finally told him the truth!. He'd just shrugged it off, because I was worthless:
But was I really!? Was I really worthless!? I remember my father, sitting on my bed at night, and telling me how much he loved me!. How I was the most precious thing in the world to him!. Wasn't that proof enough that someone, somewhere, wanted me!?
My father had left me though!. D i d that mean I stopped being precious!?
He had just walked out on my mother and I one day!. The only thing I ever remembered was hearing him stand outside screaming "I love her more than you'll ever know!" He had cheated on my mom, that's what she told me!. A l t h o u g h my dad said he was sick of my mother, not the other way around!.
When he said he loved her, did he mean he loved me!? Had my own mother lied to me, to keep me on her side, to make me love her and not him!? Was my whole entire childhood, from that day on, b a s e d o n a lie!?
My dad was the only one I wanted anymore!. I would find myself waking up at night, calling his name!. He wasn't there though; he left me!. Even right after he left, I’d wanted him!. I'd had my mom though, E v e n before she started abusing me, she had never lived up to my dad!.
Stumbling through the trees, I didn't look back!. I had wanted to do this for so long, had wanted to just walk away, but I had thought it was too hard!. I had thought that I would never have the strength to leave them!.
I was wrong!.
Finally reaching the edge of the forest, I looked up to find myself standing on the side of a street!. I had never seen this street before!. I did see a gray truck!. It looked familiar!. There was a tall man standing/leaning against the side of the car, on his phone!. I watched him with wide eyes!. Had I seen this man before!?
As I crossed the street, I heard him say "yes, I know we've already been over this for the past eight years, but I’m not giving up!. You can't tell me there is no way for me to see her!." When I reached the car, he looked up at me!. His went still at the sight of me!.
We studied each other for a moment!. I knew this man!. Where did I know him!? Why couldn't I recall anything!? I w a s n u m b!.
The man finally got a hold of himself!. "Are you okay, miss!?" He asked, and then spoke into the phone!. "No not you!." " Look I’ll call you later!." " No, nothing is wrong!. I have to go now!. Bye!." He hung up the phone and looked at me!. "I'm a cop, honey, you can tell me what's wrong!."
A cop !? My dad had been a cop!. No, he couldn't be !!?
"Why don't you tell me your name, sweetie!? We can start from there!." He seemed preoccupied too, as he stared into my face!.
I finally stuttered out my name, "Je-Jessica!. Jessica Swift, sir!. Sir!? " That sounded wrong!. I wanted to say something else!.
His face was in shock!. "Jessica!?!" he said, in a voice so soft and tender that no matter how long it had been since I’d last heard it, I would know it anywhere!.
I looked up into the eyes of the only one who ever loved me, even t h o u g t I was "loveless!." I threw my arms around him and screamed!.
"Dad!"
I found feeling again!.


I found a few things that could be changed!. that is why I left spaces through the word so you would recognize where it is!. also A sentence does not start with Or, but or because it is just not done!. also is this a new thing(!?) that commas are now before and, but, & or !?
In my day it was not so!. Check with your teacher!.
Lovely story with a happy ending!. Hopefully its not a reflection of your life!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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