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Question: I wrote a very short story and I am wondering if it is any good!.!?
I awoke to my phone ringing in my ear!. I have to remember to change my ringtone, I thought to myself as I look to see who would be calling me this early!. To my surprise, it was Ben!.
I answered groggily!.
“Hey,” he asked, “are you awake!?”
“I am now!.” I replied!.
“I have a surprise for you!. How soon can you be ready!?”
“I don’t like surprises,” I moaned!.
He giggled a little bit, and it made me smile!.
“Give me about thirty minutes or so,” I said, hoping that would please him!.
“OK,” he said, “I will be at your house around 9:30!.”
After a quick shower, though not too quick to skip shaving, I put a little bit of make-up on and proceeded with drying my hair!. I chose to wear my usual jeans, t-shirt, and my gray cardigan!. I need new clothes desperately, I thought to myself as I heard his car coming down my road!.
I am already out of the door before he hit my driveway!. I sent a text to Brian telling him that I was being kidnapped and if he needed me to call!.
As I get in his car he gives me a passionate kiss and hands me a blindfold!. I look at it with distain, and he gives me a seductively pleading look!. I’m not good with surprises but he was intriguing so I put it on, but not without a pouty look pointed directly at him!.
“I told you it is a surprise”
“Will you give me a hint!?” I ask!.
“No,” he said with a sly smile, “you will just have to wait!.”
“I really don’t like you right now”
“Sure you do”
As we are driving I try to pry it out of him!. I ask where are we going, and he says it is a surprise!. I ask for a hint, and he says that is cheating!. The entire car ride was a tennis match of questions with no answers, just silly riddles and no information!.
After what felt like hours of driving, we come to a stop and he turns off the engine!. Right about now I am flooded with anxiety, I have never been good with surprises!. It makes me nervous not knowing what is going on!. And I think he sees my weakness and he is using it for his pleasure, whatever sick pleasure he gets out of making me miserable!.
I hear him get out and come around to my door!. He opens it and I get out and move my hands to remove the blindfold, but his hands are too fast for me and I hear a sound of disapproval in his voice!.
“We aren’t there yet,” he says with a smile in his voice!.
“Rawr,” I said with a smile on my face, “it better not be much longer!.”
I can feel that he is smiling!. As we walk with our arms around each others waists I feel a good vibe from him!. I always feel safe around him, even when blindfolded!. Even though we have only been dating a few weeks, it feels as if we have known each other for ages!. Is this what love is supposed to feel like, I wondered as he led me along!.
I can tell we are in the city, I love the way the city!. It smells and sounds like nothing else and all over it has the best vibe!. But where we are in the city I don’t know!. As I try to work it out in my head I feel him lead me through a doorway and remove the blindfold from my eyes!.
I look around and I see the most amazing building ever!. I see a sign reading ‘Museum’ and nothing else!.
“I remembered you said you liked museums so I looked up all the museums in the area and this one seemed the most like you!.” He said and I could see his eyes searching for approval!.
I smiled and gave him a kiss!.
“Perfect,” I said with the biggest smile, “I love museums!.”
I could see in his eyes that he loved something else, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There is definite room for improvement!. And sadly I can't quite pinpoint exactly what you need to work on!. If you'd turned this in to me at the writing lab I would have simply told you to go try again, to be more direct, and to use clearer diction!.
Your first sentence - I awoke to my phone ringing in my ear!. - reads very poorly!. There are three indications to the characters self, which makes it repetitive and tedious!. And people don't say, "I awoke!." You may be able to pull that off in third person, but not in first!. The whole piece needs to read like someone is talking - we are in the characters head, the dialogue must be believable!. Your second sentence suffers from similar problems, but glaringly insults the reader as well!. "I thought to myself" - who else would one think to!? also, you don't even need that clause!. You could simply state the thought, it will be accepted by the reader!. You could have written: "I woke up to the annoying church bells ring tone!. I need to change that!." also your character could immediately comment that Ben is calling her early, or say that she answered Ben's call still half-asleep!. Basically your introduction is over narrated!. Simplify!. Describe this series of actions as directly as you can, paint me a picture of images, don't tell me step by step what is happening!. I should be watching the game, not listening to a play by play!. (Commonly called the "Show vs Tell" rule!. But I hate that phrase, it's very unclear!.)
Your initial dialogue has some obvious errors as well!. Most notably that people don't moan sentences!. Moaning is a verb, an action separate from speaking!. Like a sigh!. The only word you should ever use there is "said!." Not asked, not moaned, not screeched, just said!. The more sparingly you use your special character attributions the more potent they are when they are used!.
The beginning of your second paragraph starts with a contradiction!. That's an amateur technique, that doesn't work well!. It's repetitive!. Simply let the reader know that the shower was so short not all the shaving cream was washed off!. Something along those lines would let the reader form an image and they can now see the shower was very quick!.
Are you sensing a trend: let the reader see, be direct, don't be repetitive!.
I guess the last thing I'd say to you is this: 1 + 1 = 1/2!. That's a formula writers use to say that the more you give the same information the less effective it is!. So repetition is bad!. Not always, but for now, just assume it is!.
This isn't to discourage you at all!. Your idea is good, your timing (suspense) is more or less there, you just have some of the technical stuff to think about!. Get a book called Stein on Writing by Sol Stein!. It's a great start towards understanding techniques and strategies for creative writing!.
Good luck, and keep writing!. The more you do it, the better you'll get!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's all right it's just that it's not very original!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it, it made me smile and wonder what the surprise was!.
Very nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
TheVet echoed my thoughts exactly!. u will definetly improve if u write more, but the idea of ur story is not bad!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm interested in this short story, it sounds like something I would enjoy because I'm a sucker for love stories!. However, do you have something to keep the reader interested!? something that would break the couple up and make the reader hope the couple will get back together and then all will feel right in the world again!.
I think you've got a good beginning, but maybe add a little more detail to the characters and how they look, what they're about, and basically who they are!.
It sounds really good though, do you have more I could read!? I would love to hear more!Www@QuestionHome@Com