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Question: What do u think of my writing so far!?!?!?
I'm writing a short story cuz i find it fun 2 do when your bored XD!. Plz read it (the writing below obviously) and tell me if its good!. Mind you i'm 12 its based on the future of my life hopefully sumthing like that!. O and plz give me advice if you could!. Anything would be great!. Thankiez!!!
7th grade=new beginnings
It was 12:00 P!.M!. and Nicole still hadn't fallen asleep!. She stared at the T!.V!. flipping the channels finally settling on Home Improvement!. She couldn't stand watching T!.V!. anymore so decided to get out her book and read a chapter!. Nicole still felt wide awake!. The crisp night air came in through her window and she felt the chill hit her body!. This felt nice on her sweating body!. She looked at the clock again to see it was now 12:30 P!.M!. So she listened to escape the fate and drifted off to sleep!.!.!.
“Honey wake up,” Nicole’s mom said in a chipper voice!.
“Ugh, five more minutes,” Nicole replied in a mumble/moan type voice!. Five minutes felt more like five seconds, but she knew she had to get up!. Smelling waffles brought a smile to her face even though she was in a pretty cranky mood!. Five more minutes passed and all that was left on the plate was a few drops of syrup!.
A puzzled look came over to Nicole’s face as she stared into her closest!. Her first day of school outfit had to express her style and personality!. She looked at the Abbey Dawn skirt, matching shirt/tie, and black skinny jeans!. A great outfit, but maybe too dressy she thought!. She then looked over at the red skinny jeans, DC shirt, and her favorite sweatshirt she had gotten at the thrift store!. She decided to go with the dressier outfit in the end because of the great style and the smile it brought to her face because she knew she would be different from everyone else!. She put the outfit on and grabbed her black converse that she adored!.
Now she looked at her hair in the mirror!. What used to be dirty-blond hair was now beach blond with black and pink steaks in it!. She thought her new hair was so awesome!. Nicole then gave it a quick comb admiring its beauty!. Now all she had to do was brush her teeth!. Just as she grabbed the tooth brush there was a knock on the bathroom door!. “What!?” Nicole called!.
“I need to use the bathroom, come on I’m not going to wait all day,” replied her brother, Cody, who’s voice sounded not that cranky, yet not that chipper like her mom’s!. She carried her toothbrush and what not to her room and finished up using the mirror in her room, that was connected to her closet door!. Nicole checked the clocked to see that she still had an hour to spare! She called her best friend, Alyssa, and talked for awhile!. The time flew by!. Before Nicole knew it, she was in the car with her best friend, being driven by her mom to school!.
Nicole placed her black converse on the hard cement ground that was school property!. She felt as if she was being controlled again and had no freedom like she did during summer!. She saw her ex best friend and gave a little smile!. Instead of smiling back she grimaced and turned the other way!. Nicole shrugged!. Alyssa and her started walking to the 7th grade entrance while passing by bigger and smaller students!. Nicole spotted some sixth graders and could see the fear in there eyes!. She remembered feeling that way her first day of middle school, but now her and Alyssa are in 7th grade and it would be a new beginning!. She knew it!.
The bell suddenly rang and they stepped inside!. The crowd was horrible and Nicole and Alyssa got stuck in the middle!. Alyssa managed to work her way out, but Nicole was still struggling to free herself from the stampede!. As she was squirming around, she caught sight of a boy her age and height!. His hair was jet black and had red tips!. His bang covering one eye!. Nicole stopped squirming and just starred at him in amazement!. She couldn’t look away!. He then caught sight of her!. They both broke free from the crowd at the same time and bumped into each other!. Nicole felt her face turn bright red!.
“Oh sorry, my name is Nathan,” the boy said in a shy voice, but had a smile spread across his face!.
“Oh its ok, my name is Nicole,” she said while gently touching his arm!.
“Come on Nicole, we’re going to be late!. You to can catch up later,” Alyssa said with eagerness deep within her voice!.
“Well, I’ll see you later hopefully,” she said as Alyssa started tugging at her book bag!.
“Ok peace,” he said while holding the peace sign up and his smile slowly fading as we were distanced from one another!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
In my personal opinion!.!.!.!.
There's a few spelling mistakes that could be corrected!. also at the beginning, you say 12:00 PM, but it seems as if its midnight you're referring to!. Midnight is AM, PM is noon!. So you might wanna fix that so you won't confuse your readers!. I thought it was good how you showed Nicole getting ready for school and described her clothes and what she looked like, making it easier for the reader to get an idea of what the protagonist may look like!. I sort of grew bored though as she was getting ready by brushing her teeth and stuff!. Don't get me wrong, its great to be descriptive but at the same time you don't wanna say everything the character is doing to prepare themselves because then you are telling a lot and its not really that important of the readers to know!. Its a good idea to leave out unnesscary parts in a story!.
For me, I used to have a bunch of little "extra things" in my writing that didn't have much to do with the current setting and what was supposed to happen!. If the ex-best friend is going to make an appearence later on, then I guess you could leave that part in!. But considering the fact that she didn't really make a real appearence so far maybe you should add that part later on in the scene where she does make an appearence, cuz right now it seemed a bit off topic to me!.If you wanna leave it where it is thats cool, just change the second sentence about "she grimaced" to "her [or Nicole's] ex-best friend" or something!. You used "she" in the sentence before and if you use it again in the grimaced sentence then it might confuse the reader with which character grimaced!.
Lastly, I'm having trouble with the end where Nathan introduces himself!. In real life I don't think a guy would be so quick to say his name like that!. In my opinion I think you should make the situations a little more realistic!. Play it through in your mind as if it were to happen in your life and ask yourself if the outcome of the situation from your story is likely to match what would happen in real life!.
Do what you want though!. This is your story and I'm totally just stating my opinion and being honest with you!. This isn't meant to offend or criticisize your writing!. It has potential but some changes to fix it and make it better should be considered!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its good but u cornied it up!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
pretty good for a 12 year old, no real climax but doesn't matter i suppose!.
and at the end there "“Ok peace,” he said while holding the peace sign up and his smile slowly fading as we were distanced from one another!.' should be as THEY were distanced from one another!. =]
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Be a bit more attentive to your spelling because you will need it!. I have the feeling you are going to be writing best sellers in the future and I hope you do well!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think your good!. I suppose you should go on with your story and publish it!. I am also hoping to be a writer and hope to publish !.I'm entering seventh grade on the 18th of this month!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I read some of it!. Did you say you were in seventh grade!? Well, so am I, and I'm writing a book too!. Maybe we can help each other!. But other than that I think that you might be a better writer than me!. The last part was very descriptive, and that's what caught my eye, and I would suggest trying to publish!. It's possible!. Have fun! Writing is fun!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Pretty good! Are you on any writing sites!? I joined this writing community called http://www!.chapteread!.com!. I think you might find it useful!. They have some great writing tools and posting features for getting critiques and reviews!. The other writers give helpful advice!. Worth checking out!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry but I couldnt get past the first para!. You need to learn one basic thing - not to use Nicole so many times!. We know just where the first line finished that you are speaking about a young girl called Nicole!. Then why are you repeating her name in every line!? also, show us what she is doing!. Not tell us!. Nicole did this!. Nicole did that!. Nicole said this!. Nicole said that!. It loses all its effect and the inteerst of the reader in that way!. This is called Exposition!.
You can just show what Nicloe is doing:
Sample:
It was 12:00am and Nicole was still with TV!. It was getting boring by the second and so she shut it off!. at last the quiet! Her copy of Wuthering Heights was near the table!. Reading it made her feel awake and full of energy!. The crisp night air came in through her window and she felt the chill hit her body!. This felt nice on her sweating body!. She didnt realise when she slept and the next voice was of her mom waking her up!.
Something like that!.!. SO that people feel as if they are seeing Nicole do all that, not as if they are being told!.!.!. At 12 perhaps you are not expected to know all this!.
TW KWww@QuestionHome@Com