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Question: I'm writing a story, but I need to know if it is good!!? Please answer!!?
I'm 15, and this is my first story, I want to know if it's any good, or not!. Please be honest with your answer!?

I was just fifteen when I fell in love!. He was eight-teen…but I didn’t care if he was a hundred years old, I would still love him no matter what!. It’s been two years sense I last saw Angel!. And I knew that he would look the same, even after two years!. I was sitting at the corner café on first and fifth when I saw him!. And I was right… He did look the same!. His eyes were the same shade of blue, his hair that same shade of jet black, and his mouth, nose, and everything else looked the same too my eyes!. I saw him sit across the café from me!. I pulled the menu up so that he wouldn’t see my face!. But he wouldn’t remember me…the girl who told him I love you!. Then he was gone, puff, vanished…!. He left without a trace, without saying good-bye!. As I told myself I was being silly, I put down my menu!. As I did this, I saw Sally (my best friend) making her way over to me!. When she got to the table, I saw that she was breathing heavy!.
“I-I know I’m late,” She said trying to catch her breath!. “But there was a lot of traffic!. S-So I ran here!. And I got on the subway, but of course it was crowded!” I chuckled as she sat down!. She threw her purse on the table and let out a large breath, and picked up her menu, and began to fan herself!. “Wow,” She let out suddenly!. “Man it’s a hot out isn’t it!?” Sally stopped fanning herself, opened her menu and looked down at it!. I looked over her head to get one more look at him, but saw that he wasn’t there!. I looked all over the café but couldn’t find him!. Maybe I just imagined him…I thought!.
“Hmph, am I going crazy or what!?” I asked myself!. Sally looked up from her menu, she hunched up her eyebrow as if confused!.
“What!?” I shook my head, and then the waiter walked over and took our order!. I sat there; now and then looking across the café hoping I would see him again!.
“So Natalie…how’s your brother doing!?” she asked while playing with her straw!.
“Huh!?” I asked not paying attention!. She sighed and took a sip of her diet coke!.
“How’s Jeff doing!?” She asked!. I combed my fingers threw my dark brown hair, and sighed!.
“Oh… I guess okay!. He really isn’t around that much anymore!. After Ginger died, his kind of been distant you know, not wanting to talk to me, or Mom…not even too Kevin,” I said!. “I mean it’s to be expected!. Ginger was his wife after all!.” I said looking up, and saw she was staring at me!.
“Man I feel so bad for him you know!. I mean him and Ginger were married for only what, a year!.” I was surprised that she would say that!.
“Sally it doesn’t matter if they were married a few mouths none the less a year, marriage is marriage, and love is love!. How long were your parents married before your Mom died!?” I asked somewhat angry!. I saw her winch, and I knew I hurt her!. I took a deep breath trying to calm down!.
“Listen… I am sorry for what I said!. You know how I get when it comes to Jeff…!.” She sighed and then she looked at me with a huge grin on her face!.
“Your right I shouldn’t have said anything!.” She said still smiling at me!. We sat there in complete silence for what felt like hours more then minutes!. I looked at were Angel sat when he first arrived!. I finally was lucky; there he was sitting as if he just came fell down from heaven!. Looking so fair skinned and beautiful!. I couldn’t take my eyes off him!. And when Sally asked me what I was looking at!. I couldn’t help but say!.
“My Angel…” She gave me her “What” look, and then looked over her shoulder!. After a few second, she looked back at me and her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head!.
“Do you know that guy!?” She asked in a hyperactive kind of way!. I nodded my head and continued to stare at him!. Sally still had her mouth hanging open when the waiter came up with our food!.
“Are you alright Miss!?” The waiter asked kindly!. Sally blushed and croaked a “Yes!” What am I doing!? I thought!. I needed to stop, my feelings for him were in the past, and I needed to move on!. I painfully dragged my eyes down to my lap!. I grabbed my fork and began to eat my salad!.
“What’s his name!?” Sally asked before biting into her sandwich!. I jumped a little at her question!.
“Huh,” I said while blinking my eyes a few times!. She gave me “you heard me” look!. “Oh his name…it’s…it’s Angel!.” I said a little shy, and I had no idea why!.
“Well that makes sense…!. “She giggled and got up!. I jumped up and grabbed her arm, and pulled her back down in her chair!.
“What the hell are you doing,” I asked in an anger whisper!. “Don’t you dare go over there!?” She smiled at me!. She got back up and started to pull me along with her, to the table he were he was sitting with a woman I hadn‘t noticed!. She had light blonde hair, bright green eyes, and really skinny…! I hated her…! I let go of her arm and ran back to the table, threw down my part of the bill and ran around the corner, hoping he didn‘t see me!. She walked up to the table and blurted out!.
“Hi, your Angel right!?” I looked over at them and saw him nod his head and he replied with a
“Yes!.” He say with his gentle voice… Oh how I missed it!.
“Ha ha, I guess she does know you after all,” She looked back towards our table that was now empty!. “Huh, where’d she go!?” She asked!. He sighed, and stood up towering over her like a giant!. She looked at him with her mouth hanging open!.
“I’m sorry but, who are you and what are you talking about!?” He asked!. Sally blushed!. She picked at her shirt and smoothed out the wrinkles!.
“M-My friend…says she knows you…!.” She said still blushing!. He sighed again!.
“And who might your friend be!?” He asked sounding bored!. Sally clasped her heads together and squeezed tight!.
“H-Her name…!? Ummmmm…!.” Saying as if she forgot!. He pointed his index finger in the air and moved it left, to right, saying
“Tick, tock, tick, tock,” She looked back up at him, opened her mouth, but nothing came out!. “I don‘t have all day sweetie,” He said brushing his fingers there his hair!. “If ya got nothing to say, then go away!. He was being so rude to Sally…! He was really pissing me off! It was wrong for me to make her tell him it was me in the first place!. The girl that said I love you…but you never said it back!. I knew it was time to let myself be known!. I took a deep breath!. Alright it’s time to let him know it’s me!. I thought!. I stepped out of the shadows and walked over towards them!. He looked my way and his face turned chalk white!.
“Hi Angel, long time no see,” He looked at me up and down!. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth!. But couldn’t find the right words!. “How have ya been!?” I asked while he still searched for words to say!.
“N-Natalie!?” He asked speechless!. I nodded my head and chuckled!. “What!?” He asked with a scowl on his face!. I looked up at him and smiled!. Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Only 15!? Wow! It certainly held my interest, and a story has to do that, or it is nothing! I also enjoyed the hint that maybe Angel isn't such a great guy after all, since he is rude to Sally--but if this is just the beginning of a longer story, maybe you're going to pull a switch later and it will turn out that he had a good reason for it!. That keeps the reader interested to see what will happen!. Lots of romance writers like to make the guy that is finally going to get the girl start off on the wrong foot with her at the beginning of the story!. Heck, even Jane Austen, whom some consider the best English woman novelist, did that in Pride and Prejudice!

Can I make a few suggestions with the idea of making your stories appeal to a wider audience!? It would be a good idea to tighten up your English a bit!. You use "were" more than once when you meant "where," and you have to learn the difference between "to" and "too" ("Everything else looked the same TO my eyes" would be correct!.) I admit that this is a common mistake in America, but if you would like to be a writer, you won't want to distract people with grammatical or spelling errors!. Keep studying and be alert to how good writers use their language!.

Remember that spell checkers can miss wrong spellings when we mistakenly type words that are wrong but that are actual words in English!. So your spell checker, if you used one, let you get away with "threw my dark brown hair," when you meant "through," "It's been two years sense (should be "since") I last saw Angel," and "anger whisper" when it should have been "angry whisper!." Those are things you can only catch by carefully reading over what you have written or getting a friend who writes well to check it for you!. Watch out for punctuation, too!. You did pretty well with it, but there should be a question mark after "What the hell are you doing" and an exclamation point after "Don't you dare go over there," otherwise it makes something seem like a question when it's not!. (I assume that was just a careless error, though!.)

I don't want to be picky, but be careful about this sort of thing, too:
"After Ginger died, his (should be "he's") kind of been distant!.!.!."
"All right" is always two words!.
"He say (should be "said," unless you as the narrator are going to use this kind of English throughout) with his gentle voice!."

You did very well with the dialog, which seems natural, and did a good job of describing people's gestures to show us more about how they are feeling!. You also chose words that made the story more vivid; for instance, you didn't always just use "said," but you used other such as "blurted out," "croaked," and "chuckled!." You used adjectives and
adverbs to good advantage, too!. I really, really liked all of these things!.

I liked this story a lot, and I hope you will keep on writing!. I found myself wanting to know more about the people in the story and what happens next, so it has the potential of becoming something longer!.

If this is the whole story, maybe you could add just a bit more to let the reader have more satisfaction in the narrator's triumph!. After all, she confessed at the beginning that she would always love Angel, so I would cheer her on, if, for instance, the story ended, "I looked up at him and smiled--perhaps a bit distantly, as a certain quite different guy's face flitted across my mind--and then I turned and walked off without looking back!. I had no time to waste, or I would be late for my date with Jason, the one who had been first to tell me, "I love you!."

As you write, you will become better and better and maybe someday your stories (or even a novel, who knows!?!) will be published!. Keep at it!. I think you've got some talent!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I didn't read the whole thing, because I knew what it would be like after reading the first couple paragraphs!.

You need to vary your sentence structure!. You have too many sentences in a row beginning with the same words!. You are also fumbling with the words in your sentences!. If that story were to be read out loud, it wouldn't make sense!. And the dialogue isn't very natural either!. You should also try to make your sentences flow better!. It's hard to describe, but it would be better if, once again, you varied your sentence openers!. You also need to vary the lengths of the sentences!.

I don't mean to sound overly harsh, but harsh criticism is what makes a good writer!. At this point, your writing abilities are not ready to commit to writing a full length novel!. Try short stories, about two or three pages long first!. And when you get back into school, DEFINITELY ask for advice from your teacher!.

You have to be committed at what you're doing, even if you're not fantastic at it right away!. As of now, this is far from the best piece of work I've ever read!. I don't want to discourage you from writing, because you have a lot of potential!. So continue with it, critique yourself, and ask your friends, family and teachers to criticize you and over time, maybe your story will even dazzle ME!. :-)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its a really good start sweetie!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com