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Question: Does anyone think this is a good start to a book!?
i don't think it's particularly great but i can't get it right!.!.!.
The plane touched the runway bouncing as it did so and sending Jamie Finch’s hand luggage into the back of the seat in front!. The bag dropped to floor and Jamie bent down to pick it up but another hand beat her there!.
“Consider that my one nice thing I do for you today,” said a boy’s voice as she got her bag thrust into her stomach!.
“Cameron! That really hurt!” Jamie replied angrily, “If Mum were here she’d have killed you by now!.”
“Well Mum’s not here is she so I don’t know why!.!.!.”
“Oh my god! Guys! Stop fighting!. We’ve been in Brazil all of 2 minutes and we haven’t even left the plan yet!”
This interruption was the scolding voice of Jamie’s best friend Caitlin and the twins shut up immediately!. The awkward silence that followed was broken by another boy laughing and eventually the others joined in!.
“Come on guys, let’s get to the base camp BEFORE we’re 50” Ethan Clarke said faking anger and the four of them left the plane and had pushed their way out of Brazil’s national airport an hour later!.
Do you guys have any tips on how to improve it!?
thnx
emz :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The plane bounced as it landed, sending her light holdall slamming into the back of the seat in front!. The bag slumped to the floor and Jaime Finch bent down to retrieve it!. A familiar hand beat her to it!.
“Don't say I never give you anything,” the inevitable sarcasm came as the bag was thrust into her stomach!.
“Cameron! That really hurt!” she fired back, her eyes blazing!. “If Mum were here !.!.!.”
“Mum’s *not* here is she!?” Cameron goaded!.
“Oh my God!" Caitlin, her best friend, interrupted impatiently!. 'Guys will you *stop* fighting!? We've been in Brazil all of two minutes!. You promised!”
The twins clamped their mouths shut!. Jaime felt her cheeks pink!. The awkward silence was broken by another boy laughing and soon others joined in!.
“Come on people, let’s get to the base camp *before* we’re fifty,” Ethan Clarke said sternly with the ghost of a smile!.
The four of them left the plane and an hour later had pushed their way out of XXX, the national airport!.
A few points!. If they were boy/girl age calling her Jaime would be more modern and help set her apart from boy characters!. You are spelling everything out!. Less words more info if you get me!. '2' needs to be two!. Try to avoid excessive names tags of Cameron, Jamie etc!. after every bit of speech!. The language used should tell the reader who has spoken most of the time!. Whose viewpoint is this from!? I used Jamie's so you wouldn't know that Ethan was pretending to be angry as you aren't 'him'!. He doesn't even sound angry!. You 'are' only Jamie or one other!. You can say what she might be able to tell about others!. We know you're in Brazil already so name the actual airport instead!. Caitlin doesn't need to tell us they've not left the plane – you tell us afterwards too!. Caitlyn is their age!? She wouldn't 'scold' her friends I don't think - unless that's purposefully in her character!.
Capitals mean EC has effectively yelled the word “before”, use italics (I had to use **)!. We know the silence follows so don't tell us!. And the others laughed eventually - how long we got!?! Why did no-one else laugh sooner!? :) In fact i'm not sure I get why they all laugh !?!?!? What's so funny!?
Why do Jamie, Cam, and Ethan have surnames but not Caitlyn!?
Practice makes perfect!. Can I suggest you read the advice work of Caro Clarke – google her!. It's not as easy at it looks at first is it!? Every single word has to count or be cut!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked it! It's good, you've given just the right amount of info in my op pinon which is an art form! I have enough info to guess what it's about but am still asking questions like, 'Where is their mom!?', 'What base camp and what will they do there!?', etc!. That's what keeps me reading!
Great start!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Keep writing, this sounds great!. Have you checked out any writing communities!? I'm on a free writing site called http://chapteread!.com/ They have great features for giving people feedback!. And an awesome private writing area that i use- Worth checking out!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i know their on the plane but i dont understand a thing of whats happening!. i think you need more structure and work on organization of ideasWww@QuestionHome@Com
omg i LOVED it!!!! if the whole book is like that can you send me a copie lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
That was really good! I would definitely read the rest!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
fabb!! i want to know what else happens now!! :]Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think its really good and you obviously have something good here, but it does need to be more structured!. also, on my first read I thought the 'hand that beat her too it!.!.' was going to be a love interest and it's her brother!! May be consider something a little less tense or make it so it's her love interest, may be a friend of her brothers!?!?
I think there needs to be more excitement in it rather than silly bickering as they have just landed in a foreign country for the first time!
This is just my own opinion and I'm sure you'll get other people doing the same, you asked for people's opinion you should respect them and not just give them a 'thumbs down'!!
This is constructive criticism!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Just from personal opinion I feel at the start with the description you are using mixed up language, when you say 'hand luggage into the back of the seat in front'!. I would look more to say the back of the next seat forward or sending it in to the seat in front!. The first sentence I think needs to be reversed, rather than the plane touched the runway bouncing (that would be more of a pimp plane on hydraulics) the plane bounced as it landed!.
also maybe look at the language used, it seems very regimented!. I don't know too many people who say haven't, most say ain't, its not grammatically correct but sounds more real!.
Its a good first effort though, you should take heart that it reads well and has enough pace, which are the hardest things to get right!.Www@QuestionHome@Com