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Question: Do you like the RESULT of this STORY!?
I'm writing a story about a very beautiful female doctor named Jamie who lives in La Jolla ( San Diego)!. In the final part of the story, when Jamie is swimming in the ocean a shark amputated her leg and Jamie died in the ambulance of massive bleeding!. Scott, her boyfriend, was devasted by the her death because he loved Jamie with all his heart!. After the death of Jamie, Scott began to remembrance the tragical story of his family: He remembered when his father, who was a Chicago policeman, was killed in service and when Scott's eyes personally saw how her little sister Stephanie was killed by a train and her little body was lying on the track!. For these reasons and also because he can't live without her lover Jamie, Scott centered in the alcohol and left his work!. But when his neighbours didn't see him in weeks and smelt a horrible odor, they called the police!. And the police discovered Scott's body in his bed with a picture of his beautiful lover Jamie and a plate similar like the military wears in combat with Jamie's full name: "Jamie Lynn"!. The autopsy revealed that Scott was dead by an overdose of barbiturates mixed with alcohol!.
Do you like this STORY!? Give me your opinion
Thank you very much!!!
KISSESWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's good so long as we knew that Scott's loved ones had suffered horrible deaths before!. If it comes out of nowhere it just isn't believable!. Make sure you somehow reference the previous deaths!. Maybe Jamie doesn't keep alcohol around because Scott pain has driven him to alcoholism before, so she doesn't let him drink at some point!. Or maybe have him mourn on the anniversary of one or both of their deaths!. Just something to let us know it's not the first time, before Scott wallows in it at the end!. Maybe you should even make sure we just know they died tragically, but that we don't get the whole story until the end!. That'd be great, you know, in a horribly sad way!. It'll let us understand his pain immediately while still letting us really experience it for the first time at the end!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
No, sorry!.
First of all, it's very depressing!.
How does this connect to the first parts of the story!? This sounds more like the main idea!.
Too many gory deaths to make this sound real!.
Second: Is Scott a male or a female!? You keep saying "her" lover, "her" little sister!. It's very confusing!.
All in all, I would not be interested in a story about a manic depressive whose loved ones keep dying on him!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
it's heartbreaking!.
but it kind of seems too depressing for my taste!.
it doesn't make sense for her to be swimming in an ocean!.
andi think it should revolve around scott's struggle to overcome her death!. not die from it!. maybe he can run into a girl at the very end!. like he's leaving a shop, and he bumps into a pretty girl, and she introduces herself!.
the end!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it alot!
But don't have her name be Jamie Lynn, it's too much like Jamie Lynn SpearsWww@QuestionHome@Com
it sounds great! except sometimes you said her instead of him on accident "]Www@QuestionHome@Com
No!. It sounds like all doom and gloom, and kind of cliché!.
There doesn't appear to be enough balance to it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com