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Question: Rate my story I think it's good!.!.!. do you!?
( longest good answer= best answer!)
Hi!. My name is Isaac!. Isaac Molia!. I have brown hair, and green eyes!. And this is my story that almost killed the world!.
It was a Sunday morning on christmas day, when my little sis said in a loud voice, "ISAAC! WAKE UP IT'S CHRISTMAS!" I fell off of my bed and ran downstairs!. I got cool things like robo raptor, an ipod, video games and more!. I was upset because I didn't get my B!.B!. gun!. but then I looked over at the christmas tree!. There it was! I ran outside loading it, and then I went in my little shed!. There were holes in them that me and my dad drilled 1 month ago so I could stick it out the hole to shoot from inside!. I heard the wind blowing hard!. I heard my little sisters scream and I looked out one of the holes!. I couldn't see anything!. I rammed the door, and nothing happened!. It was slammed shut!. I passed out from the heat and woke up 2 hrs i'm guessing later!. I opened the door!. The house! It was destroyed!. Everyone was missing!. The radio was all static!. I was The last living thing on earth!. Or was I!? I went to the ice cream shop, candy store, and ate!. I saw my favorite candy!.!.!. Rolos! I ate them and dark started to grow!. I started to run home, and I reached the house!.!.!. well was my house!. I started to cry, and the loss of everyone!. But in my mind I thought "How can it be everyone!?" I went in my shack, and went to sleep!. I woke up at 3 am!. Still dark!.
"kekekoonakankank!." I heard 5 times repeat!. I looked out of one of the holes, and there was something looking at the shed!. I locked all the locks and looked out the hole again!.
I gasped, but covered my mouth when I found out that that something was!.!.!.!. an alien!. It was purple and had no clothes on, but no wiener or thing!. like a doll, but the thing that scared me most: the bug eyes!. It shook the shack, but the shack was too big and too heavy!. The sun was coming up!. It ran into the woods!. I waited until it was full daylight and bursted out of the shack, running for the brightest place in town!. I thought that I should've killed it with my B!.B!. gun but I was stunned ant the time!. I ran to the mall, looking at clothes I would like!. I grabbed a wallet I found and went to the arcade!. I ran to the shack as dark grew in, hung my clothes in the chack's closet!. and fell asleep!.
"kekekoonakankank!." I looked outside from the hole, and it was there!. I took my B!.B!. gun, and from the hole, shot it in the eye!. It ran to the woods, screaming, while I was having the dreadful thought!. Getting help!.
I woke up, and knew it wasn't safe in my area now!. I ran to the old mansion 9 blocks away, with my clothes, food and drinks, and put away the stuff!. Dark!. I heard "kekekoonakankank!." Louder, and louder! I looked out the window and there was 12 of them!. They went to the main entrance, and I slammed my door shut!. I grabbed the handle to the door and they were trying to break in!. I had tears rolling down my eyes thinking it was the end of the world because of them!. So I think from there, that was all of the aliens, so I saw a grenade, picked it up, threw it on the ground, and we all died!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Okay!.!.!.
How old are you!? If you're younger than nine, this is a good creative stab at a very short narrative!. Otherwise it's a bit too juvenile and cliche!.
"And this is my story that almost killed the world!." I won't spend too much time on this, but please!. Your story, difficult as it is to read, did not kill the world!. Not even almost!. You're telling a story about an event that could have been apocalyptic!. Clarity is important!.
"There were holes in them that me and my dad drilled 1 month ago so I could stick it out the hole to shoot from inside!." Again, try to remember clarity!. Descriptions can be hard sometimes but try to picture it in your mind's eye and describe it for someone who has never seen it!. I have no idea what you're trying to describe here!. If, as I think, you mean a shed with holes in the wall, I have to ask: why would any parent allow their child to build a bunker to shoot from the inside out!? That seems so unsafe that I'm forced to assume you created this device to use conveniently later in the story!. Unfortunately it has to be believable, and I don't buy it here!.
"I passed out from the heat and woke up 2 hrs i'm guessing later!. I opened the door!." The heat!? Isn't it Christmas day!? Unless you live very close to the Equator, or a space heater was inside the shed, you wouldn't pass out from the heat, especially because, I assume, holes were drilled in the wall!. You don't need to say "2 hrs i'm guessing later"!. We'll assume that's your guess!. To state the obvious in that way gives your story an amateurish feel!. also, how did you open the door, if only two hours later you couldn't open it regardless of your best efforts!? Consistency, like clarity, is key!.
"I went to the ice cream shop, candy store, and ate!. I saw my favorite candy!.!.!. Rolos! I ate them and dark started to grow!. I started to run home, and I reached the house!.!.!. well was my house!. I started to cry, and the loss of everyone!." If the entire world was obliterated in two hours, and you assumed your entire family was dead, would your first reaction really be to run to the nearest ice cream shop and pig out!? Doubtful!. Only after your dear Rolos had been imbibed did it occur to you to grieve over the loss of every living being on the planet!. I find that pretty unlikely!.
"It was purple and had no clothes on, but no wiener or thing!." I find that line hilarious, but unintentionally so!. This is so unnecessary I don't even know what to say!. Eliminate this, please!.
"I ran to the mall, looking at clothes I would like!. I grabbed a wallet I found and went to the arcade!. I ran to the shack as dark grew in, hung my clothes in the chack's closet!. and fell asleep!." What!? A naked purple alien is chasing you and you!.!.!.!.go shopping!? Play at the arcade!? Then fall asleep!? Really!?
"I ran to the old mansion 9 blocks away, with my clothes, food and drinks, and put away the stuff!." Oh, an old mansion!. Convenient!. Very convenient!.
"So I think from there, that was all of the aliens, so I saw a grenade, picked it up, threw it on the ground, and we all died!." Again, very convenient!. A grenade just happened to be lying on the ground in the old mansion!. Right!. also, do you know how a grenade works!? Do some research!.
All in all, not the best piece of writing I've ever seen, but I can appreciate the creative spirit that went into it!. With a little work it can be really good!. :) Keep trying! Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really liked your story especially the end!.Oh what was that I just heard a noise that sounds like kekekoonakankank ! Run for your life ! AHHHHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !Www@QuestionHome@Com
I didn't really get the story; it was very unclear!.
There isn't much else to say!.
Trying making it more clear!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
If this si supposed to be a short story its ok!.
its too (so then this hapend and then this!.!.!.)
isf its a chapter books you neeed much more detail!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com