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Question: Can you PLEASE critique!?
Don't be too harsh!.!.!.I'm just a beginner


Chapter 1
"Kris, you are going to Grandma Sue's for the summer whether you like it or not," Mom's tone of voice served as an indication that there would be no further discussion on the topic!. The mysterious power possessed by mothers to win over all quarrels had defeated me once again!. I moaned desperately, but it was settled!. My summer was going to a waste serving my wicked Grandma!. I stomped up to my room in frustration, locked my door shut, and belly-flopped onto my bed, disregarding the lectures coming from downstairs!.

Please don't think of me as an insensitive person for not liking my Grandma!. It is actually her who loathes me!. According to Dad, she would refuse to hold me as a baby for fear of deafening wails!. "Maria, you could not have possibly given birth to this indocile beast," she'd tell Mom!. As I grew older, Grandma became particularly finicky about my etiquette!. She potty-trained me at a very young age!. She yelled at me for having my elbows on the high-chair table when I was but two years old!. Her head was always churning with the cruelest ways to punish me for misbehavior!. From scrubbing the floors with a mere toothbrush to being fed only bread and butter for a day, she always had something new!. It was as if I were Cinderella and my grandma portrayed the evil step-sisters!. If only there was a savior out there to rescue me someday!. Until then, I could only dream!.
I was a mature 13-year old, and could've certainly have stayed home alone!. Why did I have to go to Grandma's!? As much as I tried to hide the truth, I knew very well that the reason for my stay at Grandma's was not for a babysitter!. Her gradually deteriorating health prevented her from visiting us as often as she used to!. She was not much of the social type to associate with her neighbors and didn't have friends of her own!. Thus, leaving her with no company !. Mom felt that she needed a companion for the summer and out of the blue, chose me (although in my opinion, I thought I'd make matters worse)!. Well, there was no point in complaining then!. The plans had already been made, and I was to leave tomorrow for New Jersey!.
I said my farewells to Mom, Dad, and my brother, Jacob, the following morning at the bus stop!. I tried one last time to persuade them to change their mind, but it was useless!. Soon I was off on my 3-hour ride to prison!. Why me!?Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You have some funny details (particularly about the Mom voice- I know it well!)!. There already seems to be a great deal of realistic conflict, which is good!. However, this opening sequence is stilted and contains far too much exposition!. It would be better in my opinion to have the opening scene begin with the actual argument between Kris and her Mom, so Kris could present her points about her Grandma in her own voice, in dialogue!. This would cut the block of exposition down immensely!. I would also like to see her immediate reaction after she stomps away- does she cry!? Punch a pillow!? The devil is in the details but so is the story!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com