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Question: Opening for a sci-fi story!. What do you think!?
Some of the following relates back to things from an earlier novel, (such as the shipyard and why the people saw him as a hero, or the "odd chain of events") but this opening should still be interesting and stand alone!. Do you think I need to explain some of these things again for those who never read the last book!? Any thoughts!?
Does it look like something of which you wish to read more!?
______________________________________!.!.!.
"A bomb!? What sort of bomb!?" A heavy rain beat against the windows of the Prime Minister's office in the Abrasax capitol!. Mike Wells, ignoring the darkened skies, pushed back in his chair and looked inquisitively across his desk at the strange little man who had asked for an audience!.
While he still held the important job of running the Londgren Shipyards, the young Queen, Ishtaree, had begged Mike to take this new position!. It was unquestionably a new hat for him to wear!. He would much rather be dealing with his robots at the shipyard, but he knew she needed an advisor!. Moreover, the people of Abras saw him as a hero and someone to look up to, so he was the most logical choice for the position!.
"Do you know how stars can sometimes explode in a sudden nova explosion!?" Asked the tiny mouse of a man!. His skin looked thin and tight, clearly showing the blood vessels underneath, but he appeared to have a wiry strength about him!. The man was so small built that if Mike moved wrong, the man practically disappeared behind Mike's wooden pen holder!.
Mike grinned!. "Yes, I've heard of that!." Mike on the other hand had a powerful physique with a forty eight inch chest and well-toned muscles hidden by the dress shirt he now wore as he sat at his desk!. He had worked as a common line worker at a car company on Earth for many years!. Now, with the last of his thirties all but disappeared, he and his wife had moved from Earth to the planet Abras!. On a planet of nearly two hundred million people, through an odd chain of events, he now found himself one of the most important!. Mike reached out and moved the set of pens over to the side!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Okay, let's not risk getting too heated here: I'm not saying it's irretrievable garbage, I'm just saying that it needs some serious reworking!.
But I am saying that much!. The third and fourth paragraphs are particularly annoying to read, because they allow each character a single line of dialog and then wander off interjecting extensive descriptions!. What you want at the start of a story is something that grabs the reader and carries him along with the action, with enough momentum that he doesn't consider jumping off before it really gets rolling!. These descriptions and chunks of background put the brakes on before you've cleared the platform!
You may need the background and descriptions eventually, but defer the background as long as possible and let as much trickle out through conversations as you can; similarly let the descriptions in bit by bit and NEVER let them interrupt action or dialog!. (See my first source quote for more advice on this!.)
There are other extensions into too much detail: "A heavy rain beat against the windows of the Prime Minister's office in the Abrasax capitol!." Drop everything after "the windows" from that sentence, and figure out a way to tell the reader the setting (eventually) without running him into quicksand! The impression given by the extra material is that Mike Wells actually turns his thoughts to recalling whose office he's in, and in what city, before he gives his attention to the person in front of him!.
There are a few jarring bits that need editing, too!. Flaws include
- repeating the same or related words:
"explode in a sudden nova explosion"
- extraneous words:
"small built" instead of "small"
- a distracting anomaly in punctuation:
"forty eight inch chest" instead of "forty-eight-inch chest"
- apparent padding (on which, see my second source quote):
"!.!.!.she knew she needed an advisor, and the people of Abras saw him as a hero!." Doesn't that cover everything the next long sentence gives us!?
(I'm assuming that the appearance of "Asked the tiny mouse of a man" as a separate sentence was a typo introduced by copying this to Y!A; if I'm wrong, fix it!)
This is not to say that you haven't done wisely in cranking something out with all its immediate flaws and leaving editing for later!. On that, see my third source quote!. But you might get a serious editing pass in before inviting strangers to give opinions, because the lack of editing is the major thing that we'll notice!.
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