How does this paragraph sound? people tell me it sounds awkward. if so, why?

Question: How does this paragraph sound!? people tell me it sounds awkward!. if so, why!?

Once inside, I wouldn’t make myself look up at their house!. I stared at the marble-tiled floor for hours, counting the swirly white patterns in the dark stone!. They seemed to move as my eyes switched from one tile to the next!. Out of the corner of my eye I could see blurry scenes of the rest of the mansion, but I shut it out!. Shut it all out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

The only thing that sounds odd to me is that you say "inside" and "their house!." You would be looking at the house if you were outside!. Once you are inside, you can't really look at a whole house!.

I hope that makes sense!.

also, the repetition of "my eye(s) in the last sentences is a little awkward!.

Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Try this:

Once inside, I couldn't bring myself to look up at their house!. I stared at the marble-tiled floor for hours, counting the swirling white patterns in the dark stone!. They seemed to be moving as my eyes switched from one tile to the next!. Out of the corner of my eye I could see blurry images of the rest of the mansion, but I shut it out!. I shut it all out!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think its because you continue to switch the tenses alot!. Past, present, and future tenses are all included in this paragraph and you should really only have one!. Believe me, i use to have the same problem with my writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's good but you need to switch the words around in the first sentence!. it doesn't make sense to 'look up at the house' when you're already inside!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it sounds awkward
very awkward incredibly awkwardWww@QuestionHome@Com

It sounds a little rushed!. But otherwise very good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It needs a little more detail!. It's almost like the paragraph is moving to fast!?
Otherwise it's really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's good, but how about, "Once inside, I couldn't bring myself to look up at their house!."Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think it sounds good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com