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Question: I need EVERYONE'S opinions!. Please HELP!!!!!!?
Please tell me what you think about the opening paragraph to my novel:
I never knew my story would be worth writing down on paper!. I didn’t think I’d ever become what I am today and quite frankly I’m still have a hard time believing it myself!.
Here I am on my birthday sitting in an abortion clinic!. It’s hard to say the word, it’s just so dirty!. ABORTION! It’s firm and angry as if you should feel the need to shout it!. I feel paranoid sitting here in this waiting room like I’m being judged by people doing the same thing!. This must be how if feels to buy porn or to buy those cheesy romance novels you see at the grocery store!. It’s a secret that we intend no one to find out but yet sometimes it’s so obvious!. If so, I hate the feeling!. You might be wondering at this time what pushed me to this point!. I’m not a teenager getting rid of a mistake, I’m 27!. I was married when I conceived the child and in a way I’m still married but not really!. My husband’s dead!. Don’t assume that’s the reason though, I could raise this child by myself if I wanted to!. I make enough money and I have family to support me!. So why am I here!? I really wish I could tell you but the truth is I’m not completely sure myself!. How about I just tell you my story, my whole story!? Then maybe you’ll understand and maybe then you won’t judge what I’m about to do!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like it! Write faster I want to know what happens!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think its good, but you should maybe split it into two paragraphs so you can get every word!. I tend to read faster in large paragraphs because they seem way too jumbled and long!. also, you should not give too much away--you want people to keep reading, and this will help!. I think its great though!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds good! I want to know what's going to happen!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sounds like a voice-over at the beginning of some movie!.
I'm not a fan of the whole -- "You might be wondering at this time what pushed me to this point!." -- addressing the reader technique, it generally seems to have the reverse effect that the author intends and pulls the reader out of the story!.
I'd get rid of "I never knew my story would be worth writing down on paper!. I didn’t think I’d ever become what I am today and quite frankly I’m still have a hard time believing it myself!. " I'd start with "Here I am on my birthday sitting in an abortion clinic!." It is a much better hook and you can do more with it as the story progresses, as it will stand out in the mind of the reader!.
You also tend to do more telling than showing!. "My husband's dead!." Give us a visual!. Talk about not knowing why the ring is still on that finger or something!. Don't reveal too much, too soon!.
I like where you are going, as a rough draft it has a lot of potential!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well it's definitely got the hook!. But it needs a little work here and there!. Looks to me that you may have more than one paragraph there!.
But it's just the rough draft of an opening paragraph!. I don't know a lot about writing (I'm a painter) but I'm sure it'll change a million times by the time its over and done with!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The opening is intriguing, that's for sure!.
And no matter how you make this story turn out, you're going to have some group protesting outside your publisher's office!.!.!.!.and that's a lead pipe cinch!.
It sort of seems like the kind of novel that would be adapted for a Lifetime Channel Movie, so I'm not sure if it would be down my alley!. The use of the language is good, though!.
As for the additional details, it is essential that an author have a few plot twists up his/her sleeve along the way!.!.!.!.and if you can come up with an ending that blindsides the reader, but is logical and consistent with what has gone on throughout the story, all the better!.
Go for it!.!.!.good luck!.!.!.!.I'll be pulling for ya!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's good all the way up to 27!. It gets a little hard to understand!. There's a bit of repitition!.
How 'bout this:
"When I conceived my child, I was married!. However, now he's dead!. I do have enough money to support my family!. I could really raise it by myself without a problem!.!.!. so why am I here in the first place!? Should I just tell you my whole story!?!.!.!. then maybe you will understand why I should do this!. (abortion)
it's in a abridged form!.!.!. easier to understandWww@QuestionHome@Com
ummmm!.!.!. honestly!.!.!. i don't like it!. it sounds too much like a beginning to a paper for school!. i'm sorry, i really don't mean to sound rude, im just trying to say my honest opinion!.
it didn't grab my attention enough!.!.!. i liked the beginning better than the end!. you could probably alter the end a little bit pretty easily if you wanted to take my advice!. for example!.!.!. i don't like the very last line!.!.!. "Then maybe you'll understand and maybe then you won't judge what I'm about to do!." you say!.!.!. 'then maybe' and then after that you say 'maybe then'!. it just doesn't sound quite right to me!. the rest is fine though!.
hope i could help!!! good luck!! you have great potential!!!
;)
maybe you could take a look at the beginning to my story!.!.!. yours is waaay better than mine, just to give you a little warning!. haha!!
here's mine!.!.!.
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
woah love it!. it really seems novely!. like it seems like a real book!. great, and its an awesome concept that shes not a teenager, thats what i had in mind!. but i say take some time to explain it all, dont let it come out in a rush!. i myslef am working on a book and im already on page 128!. its hard work and sometimes i get frusterted and want to delite it all, which i almost did once!. but i say yours is amazing!. i would defiantly buy it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
My critique is more in the style of opening- there's a lot to be said for words chosen, subject matter, but all of that can be highly influenced by the manner in which they are presented!.
Starting from the end can be a terribly hard way to tell your story!.!.!. Actually, it generally means that there is no real way to involve your reader in the events that will unfold before them because they already know the outcome!. Why would I want to waste my time reading the why, when I already know what's going to happen!? You can start this way but it leaves very little room for guesswork and speculation on the part of the reader!. They know right from the get-go that this is going to end in the abortion clinic; they know what the heroine is going to do!.!.!.
The writing feels a little juvenile- I'm sorry, but you want honesty!. I don't feel that I'm hearing a 27 year old woman speaking when I read it, I can only hear a teen- maybe 18 or 19, but just barely an adult!. Keep at it!.!.!. Work on your words and sentence structure an you will get there!. You can't just ignore grammar and spelling when you are writing, it only breeds bad habits and many words that get missed by the spell checker!.
As a suggestion- read your work aloud when you have finished and see if it sounds true to character!. If you read the words and you hear something that doesn't fit, doesn't flow or just doesn't feel right- delete it!. The best way I've found to connect and write meaningful stories is to read them aloud and see not only how the words look on paper, but also how they sound while I am reading them!.
Everything takes work, time, and practice!. Don't give up! Even though I personally feel that this is a very flat way to open your story, you can always work with it and make it your own!. Just keep writing and don't give up; the right words will come to you when they are ready to be written!.
Good luck and happy writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com